Canadian Down Under

Over and out...

2010-04-02T21:51:00.002+11:00

So I'm here in Melbourne airport waiting for my flight out and I can't believe I'm actually here and I'm actually leaving.

Surprisingly, I was not upset when I left my flat I'd lived in for over 5 years, nor when I actually left Manly - and with the exception of one friend who briefly caught me out - I ensured I had emotional buffer everywhere I went so I never even teared up.

But you know - the cab ride here has unsettled me. And the waiting hasn't helped much either. So finally it seems I'm a little sad (and I must say, I'm a little relieved to feel something - I was beginning to think I was made of stone...)

But even saying that I still think I'm doing the right thing. I need time out - (I'm kind of thinking of it as a pause.....) So now I'm beginning the long trek home - the long trek that involves stops throughout the route to see friends, family and friends again. (Kind of cushioning the blow....)

Although I have been busy the last few weeks with things I should have, could have and normally would have blogged about - I simply didn't get time - and now its really just time to look forward. So in anticipation that in six months time I will not want to do an international move again (I did mention how hellish it was, didn't I?) I will simply sign off here.

Wishing you all the best - and thanking you for reading.

Laura

My god what a coward!

2010-03-27T19:59:00.000+11:00

I recently sent an email to someone I know-but having never gotten a response, I've been feeling a little badly about it all-like maybe I was too harsh, went too far or a gazilion other things..

But you know what? I just re-read what I wrote and- given the circumstances around what precipitated the email- ...actually, screw that-even as an isolated email- it was nice. Sweet almost.

Made me realise that a coward that person has proved themselves to be in not replying..

Never thought today would arrive!

2010-03-26T17:40:00.000+11:00

I'm finally out of my flat!

Stuff sold.
Stuff shipped.
Flat cleaned.
Bond returned.
Keys returned.

Done.

One weekend of fun left in my swanky digs then bye-bye sydney.

Can't believe its finally here..

Reasons to never read Women's Health magazine ever again...

2010-03-21T10:48:00.002+11:00

So far - the latest issue has told me the following:

The margarita I'm drinking while I write this has over 700kj and requires 18 minutes of exercise to burn...
Because I get migraines - I'm twice as likely to have a heart attack..
The "how to have hot sex tonight" article did not include a hotline phone number to a bevy of waiting men
The article on "Swinger sClub" was about golf...

But on the up side? Something cool?

2012 Olympic stadium will be made of recycled steel - steel melted down from guns & knives confiscated from criminals

Cause I can.

2010-03-16T20:23:00.002+11:00

Been away for a little while - trip up to Byron Bay. Ever heard of it? Its hippyville. Hippyville on crack! (If you've had a few glasses of wine like me - you'd find that really funny.....)

Why I am having wine? Alone in my flat?
Well - read the title: Cause I can!

My new mantra.

While up at Byron a couple of times I may have had a beer or two after dinner and you know why I did that? Yup - you guessed it. Because I can.

So this post may just be a jumble of random thoughts... Know why I'm doing that? Yup - cause I can! (And yes, that's even beginning to annoy me - but I'm probably not done yet...)

So time in Byron was good. Very restful - but now the final days into organising for the move are kicking in....

So the unfun stuff?
- trying to work out all landlord stuff...
- getting rear ended and having insurance companies call
- taking all the stuff off my walls
- selling my car (or not selling it as the case may be)
- selling the other bits and bobs
- packing and organising what I'm taking.
- coming into a flat that has totally bare walls... (depressing....)

Oh my God - I'm boring myself just writing about it!!!!

The less unfun stuff?
- selling my BBQ
- selling my entertainment unit

Good and necessary - but sad still to see it all drive away.... How is it that you can get attached to inanimate objects?? Maybe its just some of the memories associated with them and the emptiness that increasing in my flat...

So - I know I'm doing what I said I wanted to do - but its awful hard to get the final days. People have been great - but its starting to get to the sad point - and I still have almost 2 weeks to go.

I've already written about the really bad stuff - but I guess it too was necessary. I just wish it hadn't happened.

But goodbyes come in all shapes and forms.

I'm hoping there's some fun ones before this is all over.

But for this evening - its time out. Zero socialising - except for me and my wine bottle.

Know why? Cause I can...

Be Yourself

2010-03-03T21:42:00.004+11:00

One of my favourite songs (and yes, its Canadian) is Good Mother by Jann Arden. Its just one of those songs that sticks. Some of my favourite lyrics are near the end, and go:

Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
just be yourself.
just be yourself.

And I think she's right. Its really important to be yourself. But damn - it can be hard sometimes.

You know, I have some really good friends - but sometimes even they are trying to change me (improve me is probably a better way of saying it). For example - I've had a friend tell me that I should no longer communicate with anyone until I 'come out of the red zone'. All very good advice and all - but seriously - I'm part Irish and I have the hot headedness that goes along with that - so if I forever remain calm - will I really just be being myself?

I've also been told that sometimes I just need to let things go. Again - good advice - though if I forever drop things and don't tell people when I'm upset, why I'm upset or how I feel about things - am I really just being myself?

Besides - shouldn't your friends and the people in your life be able to accept you for who you are?

So again - I think both above points are valid - its just I can't do them 100% and remain myself. I am outspoken. I am animated. I am expressive. So I've tried a compromise.

An example is something I recently emailed to someone I know. I know email can be a bit... I don't know... lame - but with email as the medium its way less likely that I'll spontaneously go in the red zone and do/say something stupid. Note the word spontaneous - because I can truly do red zone emails - but I took my time with this one. I wrote it quickly - but then reviewed. Actually sat on it for a few days before sending.

I hesitated and thought about this one for quite a while because the person in question I wanted to send it to has always reacted to me being myself by running away. So the risks associated with my chosen action plan was that this person would run and hide and I'd never hear back.

So was that what I wanted? Well, I think what I really wanted to do was to say what I needed to say and explain how I felt. What I didn't need to do was lash out and say something hurtful to even the score. If this person ran - then the person ran - but I could still be myself while taking on board the advice given to me.

I think I found my compromise. I'd waited long enough to let the immediate hurt and anger go - but I still said what I felt I needed to say.... but calmly. Not completely without emotion - because there is still some there - but in a more level way.

And now maybe I'm in a place I can just let it go....

I had my heart in hand,
my feet on the ground,
I think I was facing forward....
....and I was definitely myself.

God love Australian liquor laws!

2010-02-27T17:02:00.000+11:00

So james squires pub is opening at 6 am for the canadian/us gold medal game AND THEY'RE SERVING BEER!

Bring it on!

GO CANADA GO!

GO CANADA GO!!!!

2010-02-26T16:39:00.002+11:00

I'm so excited I can barely contain myself - Canadian women won gold and the men's team are in the semi-finals - game tomorrow!!

Expat group meeting at a pub on King Street Wharf where the pub has reserved space for us - our own big screens and control of the volume!!!!!!!!!! (Unlike the last game where it was hard to hear anything....)

Just keep away the nasty American who crashed the last Canada gathering to watch the Canada/US game. Him we can do without.

Got my Canada shirt.
Extra Canada shirts going to adopted Canadians.

I'm so there.

And all things nice..

2010-02-24T15:35:00.002+11:00

So I've managed to tell you all my grumbles - but between all the miserable there were some nice things that happened and its probably only fair to share (and a little more balanced...)

So part of my year off is about doing the things I love, so that's what I've been doing: writing, music and even exercise (yes, I love it - even thought I resist it and procrastinate around it every day....). Now I know that just because you love something it doesn't mean you're good at it (go back and read about me and exercise again for an example...) but sometimes its awful nice to find out you might be...

So Saturday - the course was a bunch of muso's and me. All these well trained professional singers and me. Just a tad intimidating. But given this was my year to just try anything - and given that I'm leaving soon and will never see any of those people again - I volunteered to be one of the ones who sang to demonstrate some of what we were being taught. I mean its great to hear some of the suggestions - but unless its actually you being coached - its had to apply what's being taught.

So about halfway through the day it was my turn (to be honest - almost everybody sang at least once...) but as luck would have it - I'd brought my material on something they weren't technically set up for so I was standing there all ready to go and yup - had to sit back down. It took them about 45 minutes to get set up (there were others that went on in between) and then it was my turn.

Do you know what its like to have to sit and wait like that? Torture! But the instructor spent a long time with me - which was cool - but the best thing by far was as I went to sit back down she said "Laura, that was worth the wait."

Pacifying me? Unlikely, given her style, but you know what? I don't care. I'm just taking it at face value.

And then to top it off? I was the last one to sing in the evening class and as I was collecting my stuff, the instructor's assistant (also her nephew) quietly said to me that I'd done good - that I had a really nice voice.

A few quiet words and he'd made a bad day have a touch of wonderful. If could have hugged him on the spot!

Strike 2 Australian Canadian relations....

2010-02-22T21:56:00.003+11:00

You'd think after my humbling encounter with the car wash guys Saturday,I'd have retracted my claws for the rest of the day, but no, apparently I'm not a quick learner... Crappy mood does not lend itself to being a good conduit for learning....

So I finally got to my course almost an hour late. An hour. That's almost a new record even for me... And man was I in good form when I got there. (You can hear the sarcasm can't you?) That anyone spoke to me at all that day is a little bit of a miracle.

Really - its only because I had already paid for the course (I did truly want to go) and that it was a one-time event to have this woman come in from the States to teach this music class that I didn't just pike. Besides, I needed to occupy myself so I didn't mope. I thought it could be a distraction for me from my own misery.

Well, I occupied myself - but in the end, I didn't really distract myself from my own misery - I ended up spreading it around....

At one point the professional from the States was teaching us all a technique - and she went through the group one by one to ensure that we all had understood and could do it ourselves. Seeing I was in the back row - she'd gone through almost everybody before getting to me - and as luck would have it - I didn't pick it up very fast - so she was kind of working with me for a few minutes. Embarrassing, but okay. Well okay until...

Okay - I'm going to have to interrupt myself and give some context to the set up before I tell you what happened next. See - these events are run by some local music organisation - which is cool except primarily its the members who attend the events. People like me are the exception - and not only are we the exception, we are not part of the clique. Which, again, is cool by me because I hate cliques and just ignore them - but in these music courses - its not always that easy to ignore.

Like with what happened next. The teacher of the course was working with me - but given she'd already reviewed everything with the clique group (who of course sat in the front row) they now considered themselves experts - and given some of them were music teachers - they now felt they should be teaching me.

Like they knew better then the real teacher.

(Can you tell something ugly is about to happen?)

Anyway, I found their verbal encouragement and instructions coming from over the shoulder of the actual teacher not only annoying - but also distracting. Mix that with a person who has no patience on a good day? and before I even realised it I shouted "Stop it" ( inthe same tone a kid responds to teasing from elder siblings..)

The course teacher kind of looked at me in shock so I clarified "No, not you - the 17 teachers sitting behind you."

Friendly.
Approachable.
Warm.
Welcoming.

Four words you can't use to describe me on Saturday.

Well, at least it worked. The clique appropriately retreated to their corner. Perhaps it may have worked too well though - not a soul spoke to me for the rest of the day.

Not a bad thing really.

I did manage to relatively behave myself for the rest of the course (which didn't end til 10:30 that night). Well, almost. I slightly cracked it again at about 9:30, but for the most part, beating my forehead with my pen helped me control the snark.

Nice dent on the forehead though....

There wasn't enough chocolate in the world yesterday to make it a good day....

2010-02-21T11:31:00.003+11:00

And can I say- I did absolutely nothing for Canadian-Australian relations? Okay - maybe I did - but none of it good. With every passing day I truly realise that a life in diplomacy is just not a road I should ever consider...

So to start off with - although I was up early - I still managed to be late for my course. Not only that - but I managed to forget a few things that I really did need. But it wasn't only my delayed departure that made me late - it was what happened once I got to my car.

So - I'd been to this place before, but it was months ago and although I've lived in Sydney for 6 years, I still get lost; almost daily in fact. So my Sydney street directory is like a lifeline for me and when I got in the car, I reached for it to check the best way to get there but it was nowhere to be found.

And in the mood I was in - although that could be construed as a minor problem - for me it was a catastrophe and I handled it as such.

After a few brief moments of angst, I realised that it must have not been replaced when I got my car washed the day before. I didn't think they'd done a very good job anyway - so I went straight to self-righteous indignation about the lousy service and the carelessness that they had treated my car with...

Really - I'm a prize some days.

So trying to find the car wash I made a number of wrong turns, so by the time I found it I was near mental in rage. Although still managing to keep a cap on it - when I'm that mad, the simmer is visible to all...

I did manage to keep this side of accusing them of stealing it - but I was heading in that direction when they said they didn't have one from the day before. Mixed up in it all was the panic that I was now well and truly late for my course. Not their fault - but my rational mind had switched off.

The manager offered to help me go through my car and see if he could help find it.

Can you see where this is going?

I said of course he could look, but given I'd already gone through my car a number of times - there was no way he was going to find it. I was right - he didn't find it - I did.

ON THE PASSENGER SEAT.

No fucking kidding.

I tried to be graceful in my apology - but lets face - there is absolutely nothing graceful about grovelling.....

What till I tell you about the special moments I had in my course. I need a break before telling those ones - but will get back to you.

Speaking of heartbreak....

2010-02-19T22:18:00.004+11:00

I had dinner with Mr. Heartbreak himself tonight. You know what it made me realise? He's actually a bigger part of the reasons I'm leaving than I originally thought.

Now this could be incredibly embarrassing - seeing as I have an inkling that he has stumbled across my blog before and might actually read it - but hey - what the fuck - this couldn't possibly be as embarrassing as what happened earlier this evening....

What I confessed:
- that he was part of the reason I was leaving
- that I had loved him

It wasn't pretty - especially considering I'm usually extraordinarily articulate - but tonight I stumbled, stuttered and generally just sounded stupid.

It was months ago that I last really spoke to him and it hadn't been particular pleasant for me - but the last little while I got over it - was even happy again. But he found me again and asked me to dinner. I thought I'd be okay with it - and you know - dinner was great. It was so nice to see him again - and that one meal had wiped away all the hurt and angst. I'd even stayed strong enough to say so but say that was enough for me.

But I weakened the next day when he text me and only a day later I completely caved.

The rest is all my fault.

I thought I could accept that he didn't want anything. After all - there's only a month left. I thought maybe we could continue with the nice times. That we could just enjoy each other's company. If he couldn't love me - I had hoped that maybe he could care about me - well, I do believe he cares - but that maybe he could show it.

I try to talk to him - but its just so hard. I know its not something that comes naturally to him - but maybe its more than that - maybe its just that I'm not that person to him - not the person who he can talk to.

I can't even begin to describe how awful I feel.

This is likely to be far too long for a comment box....

2010-02-19T17:22:00.003+11:00

...and although being written mainly in response to Melodie's comment yesterday - its probably something I should have said a long time ago.

So to recap for everyone - the following is a direct copy of Melodie's comment (sorry Melodie - it'll all make sense in the end..):

Hi, I just came across your blog a few days ago and read the entire thing except for May and June of 2004, lol. (Not sure why, lol).

Anyways, sounds like you've had a rough time in Australia, sorry to hear. Kind of makes me think twice, since I've been considering going there myself...lol. (I'm Canadian and from the same neck of the woods as you, lol.)

Well, I'm just curious if you'll still be blogging once you come back to Canada?

Also, I'm just curious to know what your original allure was to Australia. Was it the beauty, the climate, the ???

Well good luck on your course, and good luck on your way back to Canada!

p.s. GO CANADA GO!

First off - I gotta say - reading the entire blog? That's impressive! I'm pretty sure its not something I have done - nor really have any desire to attempt to do (thank goodness for search functions on blogger....) Not only is it impressive - its also flattering - so thank you for being interested enough.

Reading your comment I really got the feeling I may have been mis-representing myself in my writing -so I think I need to explain what this blog was meant to be and what its really become.

The blog itself was the brainchild of a friend of mine who thinks I can write and thinks I needed a plan to do so - hence blogging. I'd been writing journals while travelling and stories out of events that had happened and so when I finally settled down, a blog about living abroad seemed the next natural step.

A great idea - however it does unfortunately reveal more about me than I would have originally thought. See - if you were to meet me in person (extracting the last two years from this proposal) - most would think I was a pretty happy person with an abundance of confidence, upbeat attitude and lots of energy. I think that perhaps I show another side when I write - a slightly skewed side. While I wouldn't disagree that perhaps I tend toward being the 'glass half-empty' type of person in my head (and therefore in my writing) I think I also used this blog to vent out anything and everything that was bothering me.

Perhaps that is a function of moving overseas on your own - without those old friends to vent to - you need to find another outlet. And yes, I need an outlet - as Meyer Briggs tests have shown - I am an extreme extrovert - almost nothing stays in (and that will be a surprise to no one....)

So why the long explanation? Well the truth is I have enjoyed Australia. Its been frustrating at times and a lot of other not so nice things - but it has also been wonderful. My time here has meant that I have met many wonderful people (and yes, I know I used the word 'wonderful' twice - but its the right word) - and I have made some friends that I think will last a lifetime - no matter where I live.

As well? This country is beautiful. And it requires time - not only to see it all - but to truly appreciate the many differences that make Australia Australia.

My time here has only made me better. Does that make sense? I wouldn't give up the last seven years to live another way as I would have missed out on so much. Leaving is giving it all up - which is not easy to do - which is why I haven't decided with any finality.

As the time I have left here slowly diminishes - there is excitement about what I'm going to do - but with it comes a sadness for I will really miss it here.

The truth is the last two years have been exceptionally hard for me. I had a job that was tough which I initially quite liked, but soon the politics were beyond what I had any appetite for. In tandem, I hurt myself with a broken arm and bad back which has plagued me and on top of that I ended up with - although easily fixed - a fairly overwhelming thyroid issue which clouded and fogged up everything. But the real thing that has been the problem over the last few years is that I was heart broken. Sounds corny, I know - but it did really colour everything and with all those things: work, health and love not working - I just needed a break.

This year off is meant to be my break and its the time to do the things I really love (I wasn't talking about guys - but hey, I probably wouldn't be saying no....). So I'm getting better at guitar (not good yet, but better), I'm still singing and I'm loving my writing course and for once feel truly capable of doing something with that. And to top it off - I'm slowly getting back into shape. I'm no great athlete but nothing really beats feeling physically fit. Its not just good for the body, its good for the soul.

So I realise this is quite long - but I felt that your comments hit home in a way that I felt I needed to provide some context .

Living abroad is an experience - whether you love it or hate it - it is definitely something you won't forget. But it truly is what you make of it.

For Melodie specifically - please don't let what I've been writing influence you into staying put. I probably show the harder side rather than all the good things that have happened (and I'm not so good at writing while inebriated or hungover - so there are many fun things not recorded...) You wanted to know what originally attracted me to Oz? All of it - the beauty, the climate, the people, the distance, the thrill of something new. Really - Australia has all of that and more.

So will I be blogging back home? Most likely - but unlikely under this blog. A friend and I have been joking about potential names and so far "The Prodigal Canadian" is winning - but we'll see...

Thanks again for reading through. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope it doesn't keep you from coming yourself - the Australian in me would feel truly mortified if that were to happen!

Oh and yes

GO CANADA GO!!!!!

Vancouver Olympics Opening Ceremonies-where's my tissue?

2010-02-14T21:30:00.000+11:00

Canada you did good. I stayed up til the wee hours watching the second showing and you made me feel proud to be a Canadian.
Hallelujah. (you'd get it if you'd seen it..)

Warnie kissed me!!

2010-02-12T23:45:00.003+11:00

Okay - it wasn't the real Warnie but his shirt said Warnie and it was a cricket shirt.... I guess he thought that was working for him.

Anyway - I'd just gotten off of the ferry (you SO meet the strangest people on the ferry) and the heavens opened - chucking down rain. I'd bought myself a new guitar case earlier that day and wasn't 100% sure I was going to keep it - so was pretty hesitant about walking through the rain unprotected so I stopped just inside the wharf. I just stood there and watched the water come down, thinking about how to best time my dash across the road.

Standing there - I noticed the low wall that had "Manly" carved into it and from the angle where I was, the lights along the walkfront backlight the cement wall - and that with the night rain caught my eye and I as I seem to do of late - I pulled out my camera. Photo ops are not to be missed these days...

So not being the best photographer in the world, the pouring rain at night front of the wharf made taking a good picture difficult, then adding to that was the fact I still don't quite know how to work my new camera... anyway - imposssible!!

So there were many pictures being taken. Many, many, many being taken (and I don't think any turned out....) but as I was taking them suddenly the frame filled with Warnie and one of his friends. The drunken louts so wanted to have their picture taken.

The one known as Warnie then came over and introduced himself then gushed " I LOVE your accent. You visiting? What you live here? How come I've never seen you before?"

Yadda. Yadda.

"Tell me to go away if I'm bugging you."
I just laughed. He was so harmless.

More nattering and then he said to me "I really love your accent, your hair and you have nice boobs."

??

"Oops, was that rude?"

"Yes" I answered - "but then you're an Aussie."

And in such good humour he said "Ooooh, we are rude aren't we?"

Such a typical Aussie bloke: drunk, gregarious, funny and oh so inappropriate but with just enough charm to get away with it.

His friends called him to go, so he turned to leave, but at the last minute ducked back and kissed me.

Yet again inappropriate - but he seemed to get away with it....

Wiped out - AGAIN

2010-01-28T21:19:00.002+11:00

I am a hazard on two wheels.

Seriously.

I have twice come seriously close to permanent brain damage and both times it was on my bike.
Today, I didn't come that close, but I did wipe out in a way that permanently damaged my ego....

Okay - maybe not permanently, but there was definitely a large dent..... which is a great accessory to the grazed knee I now have.

So what happened?

Well, I have done this once before (which I may have blogged about already) when I first got on my bike after being off for a couple of years. See, although I'm not a very good cyclist - I do have clip pedals (I used to ride often enough when training for my little short triathlons that it seemed justify) - not a problem when you cycle often enough and are used to them....

which I am....

except for halfway through my ride today.

Right in front of a bus.
Right in front of the commuters getting off the ferry.
...complete dead stop and now way in hell would my shoe come out of the clip.

Oh - and falling over like that ONLY happens in slow motion.
At least this time someone stopped to ask if I was okay.

Yup - I'm fine. Everything except for my pride.

Sometimes I am such a tool it surprises even me....

Happy Australia Day!

2010-01-27T01:16:00.003+11:00

Went to a friend of a friends' barbeque today - he'd become an Australian citizen in the morning and was celebrating.

It was nice to see him so happy.

Reminded me that just 4 years ago today I became an Australian citizen myself (and scarily enough I was even blogging back then - even posted my citizenship certificate! You can look if you like, but I am far too lazy to try and link that post....)

4 long years. Good and bad. Definitely ones I wouldn't want to live over - but also wouldn't want to have missed.

Today's barbeque made me slightly nostalgic for the happier, more optimistic new Australian I'd been back then. But I was glad I went. Was glad to have been reminded of how good its been here sometimes.

Seems my plan of staying for a few months to remember what it is I love about Australia and to leave with fondness rather than bitterness might be working...

Is this what boredom feels like??

2010-01-25T21:29:00.003+11:00

I don't know anymore. I've spent the last few years either working or tired and always thinking about the things I could be doing if I wasn't tired and/or had some free time....

well - I'm there now.

I have free time and I've been doing the things I've always wanted to: eating better, exercising, learning guitar, writing and doing all things music.

I sound so saintly, but really I'm not. I start every day with the best of intentions - but I am naturally a procrastinator (read: lazy) - so I have to-do lists. I write down all the things I want to do/need to do the following day and do my best to fit them all in.

Now its not like a work list - I even include things like 'go to the beach'. Lame I know - but sometimes as I'm turning into a potato on my couch, just simply reading the list can get me moving.

That way - no day is wasted.

Well, unless I want to waste it!

And I've been good! Doing all things that I want and should. But I think that some of the shoulds are wearing on me slightly. This whole packing thing and getting quotes is really taking the fun out of my day (I know you'd think that perhaps making a list would actually take the fun out of my day - but truly, it doesn't - it helps considering my short-term memory sucks at the moment...)

I don't know my dates. I don't know exactly when I'm leaving, when I should give notice for my flat, when I should ship the cat, what I should sell versus ship.

I just can't make any decisions...

Today, I couldn't even decide of the three items I bought (variations of the same thing) - which I should keep (and the intent was only to keep one - not all three...) and what I should return.

So the last few days I've done what I'm supposed to - but I've had more time than usual.

I'm actually feeling kind of idle - which is dangerous for me because it lets my brain think too much and too often.

Is this boredom? Or is this just what happens when the weather gets crappy????

"You're looking good"

2010-01-19T21:29:00.002+11:00

So - I'm not sure how this happens exactly - but you know sometimes in life you're just travelling along, minding your own business and the world decides to be nice to you.

Well, its been happening to me lately.

I really noticed it yesterday (will get to that part soon) - but I guess it actually started when I was back in Canada. How nice were my friends to me? Feeding me. Offering me places to stay. Letting me talk with little to no interruption..... (Come on - admit it - some of you laughed at that one...)

But it became really apparent yesterday when wherever I went people would start by saying "what have you been doing - you're looking really good" and then following up with even more compliments and positive things. I mean a one-off can happen here and there - but yesterday it seemed like everyone I crossed paths with was telling me that.

And the thing is - I didn't make any kind of special effort yesterday - and in fact spent most of the day in workout clothes (which you have to admit, unless you're a supermodel - there's very few people that can look good in those - or at least that's what I keep telling myself).

So there you have it. Apparently I'm lookin good.

Nice to know.

Want to know what I think? Strange events (though not to the extent of yesterday) happen when I return from Canada. Maybe its because I'm rested and relaxed or more probably because going home helps to rejuvenate me - but there seems to be a direct correlation to returning from Canada and positive feedback from the world around me.

Hmmm, I could think about this more - but I think I may just accept that I'm looking good and leave it at that.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

2010-01-15T18:35:00.002+11:00

Damn I hope not. You'll have to shoot me right now if that's true!!

Talk about bor-ing!

Okay - exaggerating a little. Perhaps its the post holiday blues.

Can you have the post holiday blues if your life is just one big vacation????? (I did mention I quit my job a few months ago right?)

Well, newly back from a winter trip home and I guess on day 2 I'm settling back into life's routine, but the truth is - I don't really have a routine. And in fact, I'm now just kind of killing time until I pack up and go to Canada for 6 months (perhaps longer.... have I mentioned that before??)

Killing time is a little harsh - and I think some of my friends here might be insulted by that (sorry if you are - its not personal). I do have things planned - but it really does feel like the countdown has begun.

Next week is the start of a six week course. But what's really playing in the back of my mind are questions like:
- when should I ship my cat home
- what do I do with all my furniture? ship or sell?
- where do I sell? and for how much?
- when should I book my ticket?
- how am I ever going to get through all the crap I've accumulated?

Its different temporarily (maybe permanently...) leaving Australia vs leaving Canada - but mostly because of people's reactions - and partly my own.

See the friends I've made here are excited for me. And they are actively trying to catch up with me before I go - whereas when I left Canada I found my friends seemed almost hurt I was leaving (my words) and definitely not excited and sometimes too busy for me. I don't think on purpose - but I'm just comparing the two.

And for me? I was definitely more excited to head this way. The change this time seems bigger - especially since its seems all so up in the air.... Maybe its because I know what its going to be like and how hard it will be. Friends at home think it'll be easy because they are all there - but the truth is, they have full, busy lives and although they will definitely make time for me - it won't fill all the voids that moving will create.

Anyway - I don't know how I got to here from where I started - but I guess my point is that I'm going to have to do at least one useful thing a day so I don't feel like I'm just passing time.

Will work on that and will try to report on how I'm going.

Not sure how entertaining that will be for either of us - but if it turns out any good - please don't hesitate to let me know. (I need all the encouragement I can get!)

Borderline Violation

2010-01-15T10:26:00.003+11:00

Strong words, I know.

Anyone travelled into the United States lately? Say since December 26th? Then you know what I'm talking about.

If this doesn't hamper the travel industry, I'm not sure what will.

So aside from the reduction in the cabin baggage allowance (which I'm actually okay with - aside from the fact that you're not allowed to use backpacks - only handbags...) there's only one real change: the extra search.

aka: the pat down.

So where does this happen? In security? In customs?

Oh no - it happens as you try to get through to your gate. So you think you've gone through all the checkpoints and you're about to settle down and wait at your gate - but no, there's one more line.

The pat down line.

So they start with going through each item you have with you. And I mean EACH item. They actually flipped through the pages of my books and went through even nook and cranny in my wallet,not to mention everything else.

And then they began the pat down - in front of every other passenger waiting to get to their gate.

Like a full on pat down.

And although I understand the need to be careful about air travel - do they really need to pat down my breasts and check I have nothing in my bra in front of a shitload of people. Including the guy who smiled/smirked at me getting what most would consider 'felt up'.

Not fun. Not something I'd like to do very often. Can't imagine doing that every week if Iwas travelling in and out of the States.

If that happened anywhere else - I'd feel violated.

To be honest - I was humming and hawing about what title I could use for this - but I'm thinking that borderline violation is probably appropriate.

The great thing about being home...

2010-01-07T17:20:00.002+11:00

...is I'll never go hungry.

Seriously - I've been doing some family visiting and stuff - but for the last week I'm here its mostly catching up with friends. And you know what? My friends LOVE to eat (probably why they're my friends)

And I've worked out - that aside from breakfast - I only have to feed myself once between now and when I leave (and even some of the breakfast's are accounted for).

How fabulous is that?

Well in a world where you can eat what you like and never need to exercise? That's great.

Oh yeah - I'm not living in that world.

I've brought all my gym gear....
Its still in my suitcase...

But me and running shoes while on the road? That's another story for another day.

I just re-read my title - and you know what? its pretty sad that when I talk about the great things about being home its about how people are going to feed me rather than about the people I'm hanging with.....

Goes to show you where my priorities are. Amazing I have friends at all!!

Au Naturel....

2010-01-07T06:30:00.002+11:00

This is so not going to be about what you first thought....

I need 'au naturel'. Food that is. It seems that being away from North America has made me a little bit complacent about watching what food I eat.

And no - its not about losing weight. I think its been well documented throughout this blog that me and weight loss are not the best of friends... I try my best to keep my distance from that subject these days.

So what am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that I can't eat anything with additives or preservatives - or precious few - and I seem to have forgotten that this week. (Or more specifically, this trip home).

Because when I eat things I'm not suppose to - I end up like I did yesterday: in a dark room, craving absolute silence, begging for sleep so I can escape the pain and nausea.

Yup. Migraines.

I still have a headache today - but at least I'm functional.

So - because I'm special - it seems that regular migraine triggers have zero impact on me. Bring on the chocolate and caffeine! I'm good to go. Even cheeses. Its just that processsed or manufactured food does my head in. Literally. And, unfortunately, in North America there's a lot of it. And its so much easier than trying to eat real food.

But I didn't expect to be tripped up by a chocolate chip cookie.

Seriously - I am the original cookie monster - and I'm going to have to hang up my hat. See, when food actually makes me sick - I can't touch it again for months - perhaps years.

I'm so going to miss you cookie!!

Worn out...

2010-01-05T16:33:00.003+11:00

I have so many things I'd like to write about - the subjects keep swirling in my head but the travel of the last week has worn me out.

I'm afraid all my good ideas might disappear by the time I'm rested enough to actually write - but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I at least remember some.

Note to self: long flights + plenty of road travel in snowy conditions + jet lag + the holiday season = one tired little camper...

Ahh - I write so little lately anyway. Guess that New Year's resolution has already fallen by the wayside. Is it alright to start a New Years resolution on the 15th of January??????

Hello- i'm here again

2009-12-27T08:53:00.000+11:00

Waiting for a guy to call.

never thought i'd be here again. Never thought i'd like someone new.

its good, its bad. The good? I like someone. The bad? I like someone who's keeping me waiting.

maybe one day i'll find a guy that makes it easy..

one can only hope.

Damn!

2009-12-09T14:24:00.000+11:00

Why is it the one time I keep all my receipts in order to claim my GST back I'm in the one country that won't give it back?

damn!

Been travelling...

2009-12-02T00:08:00.002+11:00

Have driven about 2,500 kms in the last 7 days. Tierd. (I meant to spell it that way.... Reads it out loud with attitude and you'll get my meaning....)

I have a day's reprieve and then I'm flying out to let someone else do some driving...

Hello land of the kiwi!! It'll be nice to visit one of my favourite countries I've travelled in.... with one of my old favourite travel companions (+ one).

All good - even though travelling is wreaking havoc with my new exercise regime - though I have got some swims in... however, despite having been told by my brother I can be anything I want to be (now that I'm unemployed - I been subjected to a number of 'pep' talks) - I think any dreams of becoming an Olympic athlete are firmly out of reach.

Wonder how I'll break that to my brother.

God, I love rambling....

How bored can you get?

2009-11-25T21:37:00.000+11:00

Apparently pretty bored if i've discovered how to blog by phone.
now if i wasn't so bored i'd actually have something to say.
Right now you're all just my guinea pigs!

Who's really in charge...

2009-11-20T21:28:00.002+11:00

Well, you've heard stories of Monster before, so we know its not me.... but there's now a third female in the house: my mother.

I warned her. Actually I warned them both. I warned my mother that Monster is poorly behaved and sometimes bites (totally my fault - I get that - however, I also get that I'm not in charge) And I warned Monster that my mother was no pushover and would teach her some manners quite quickly.

I was right on both counts.

Monster has learnt something I have known all along: my mother reigns supreme... and it took less than an hour with one small conversation. No raised voices and no raised hands.

Almost witchlike really....

The mother of all visits...

2009-11-18T22:04:00.003+11:00

...starts tomorrow!

What do you do with someone who is almost 80 who wants to do things 20 year olds do - because she wants to be 'cool'.

Note - I can no longer do what 20 year olds do....

It's alright though - I've got the schedule all worked out - except for the weekend we're in Melbourne - my brother has to take some responsibility. Besides, Julie the cruise director (me) will need some time off!! I'm tired just thinking about it.

Personally, I think the Explosive Afro Brasilian dance class is going to be hilarious...

Terrifying!

2009-11-16T20:33:00.002+11:00

Music is the thing that I love most in this world - but it is the thing that absolutely terrifies me as well.

Well, performing is what terrifies me.

So today's music lesson was quite terrifying.... My music teacher taped our lesson. And then she made me listen to parts of it.

You know what that's like? Its like listening to your speaking voice for the first time. It so doesn't sound like what you hear yourself in your head when you sing.

Does that make sense??

Well, it was good and bad - I'll start with the bad:

it was terrifying
my nervousness shows when I sing
it actually cracks when I go high

The good?

when I stop worrying and forget to be nervous - I actually have a nice voice.
sometimes I even enjoyed listening instead of cringing in horror...

Surprising. Terrifying but surprising. Made me somewhat believe that perhaps I could sing - which is what my music teacher has been telling me for a while. But it also showed where I need to do some work: I need to not be nervous and I need to believe in myself.

No small order for me! (That could pretty much be said in many areas of my life...)

But the best news of all? I survived.

Yeah me!

Things that make you go 'hmmm'

2009-11-13T22:37:00.003+11:00

I've had such a full day, that even though its Friday night at the end of my first week of unemployment, I decided that staying in and watching tv was my best option for the evening. (My new exercise program is completely wearing me out....I'm such a whinger....)

Anyway - been watching tv movies. Ever seen 'Failure to Launch"? It's one of those really bad movies that you can't make yourself not watch. Well, at least not if you're me... But there were some things that kind of make me go 'wtf'???

Sarah Jessica Parker - do people really think she's this alluring, beautiful, sexy woman that could snare any guy? Really?? I mean she might be interesting and attractive on some level - but femme fatale? Doesn't really ring true...
Terry Bradshaw walking around naked - is that necessary? is that supposed to be a selling feature? comedy? Nah - that belongs on the list of things that are just not right
Terry Bradshaw equal billing to Kathy Bates? Nothing more need be said..

Just some of the things that make you go 'hmmmm'....

I thought I was crazy....

2009-11-10T18:12:00.003+11:00

..but apparently I'm not. It is possible to hurt the bottom of your feet.

Seriously - my feet hurt when I get up. By hurt I mean, I have trouble walking on them without excruciating pain. Its at its worst in the early morning (no rushing to the bathroom - its an old age hobble....) but it tends to ease as the day goes on.

But I managed to make it oh so worse this week.

See - my plan for my unemployment is to do the things I really love that I never had time for while I was working. So one piece of that plan is to get exercising. I even wrote out a schedule - and it generally involves exercising twice a day. So not long and arduous exercise at first... need to get back into the grove without hurting myself... however, it appears that even that little bit is causing a bit of a problem.

Now my feet have been hurting for a couple of months - but this week they've wratcheted up a notch (I'm pretty sure I spelt that wrong, however, I don't seem to care enough to fix it....). Seems that a long walk in bad shoes could be the cause of what I have now. Basically I've torn the fascia muscle that attaches my achilles to the bottom of my foot.

Not understand?

Neither do I really. Can't fathom how I could do this one - but it means I need to be off my feet - and no more thongs or bare feet!!

Fuck. I'm finally unemployed and can go barefoot and then I'm told I can't!!!!!

grumble, grumble, grumble.

Oh well - off to my first ice foot bath.

It will be fun to track how many different and weird injuries I can come up with over the next few months as I try to get back into shape....

Day 1 - A very good day

2009-11-09T21:54:00.002+11:00

Who knew I'd enjoy unemployment so much? Okay, well I did - considering I enjoyed it so much when I left Canada. It was only absolute poverty and near starvation (yes, I love of touch of the drama...) that actually made me get a job...

So today involved a sleep in (til 9 - its amazing how as you get older, 'sleeping in' gets earlier and earlier...), some brunch, a lounging read, a swim, my lesson, more lounging, yummy barbeque, my exercise class and now some late night tv.....

I'm looking forward to tomorrow...

Sunday Night Anxiety

2009-11-08T21:58:00.002+11:00

Apparently they've done studies that show that there really is a phenomenon that on Sunday nights - before the start of the work week - many people suffer from stress/anxiety relating to work.

Now I've never thought that I was one of those people - well, except for that one job when I was about 22, I remember Sunday nights were awful - but that probably wasn't specific to the job - just more of a result of becoming a full-time worker and understanding that for the rest of my life, the majority of Sunday nights would be the 'night before work'.

I think I've gone on a little tangent... but really, even thought I haven't loved my job in the last two years (which I've tried not to comment on here...) I never really felt bad on Sunday nights.

Or so I thought.

But maybe I wasn't so right - because now that I don't have to go to work tomorrow (I did mention that I quit right??) I find myself keying up a little and I actually have to say to myself - "remember, no work tomorrow - you don't have to go back" .

That little comment (sometimes even said aloud) stops the anxiety cold. Anxiety I had become completely immune to!

So - tomorrow is the first day of my official unemployment. I think it may take a little while for the reality of that to actually sink in, but I'm going to try to enjoy as best I can...

Many plans over the coming months - which hopefully will result in much more writing yet again. See - no more job means more room for the good stuff like music and writing. But more importantly it means an end to the bad stuff - the negativity that slowly eats away at your soul.

The next few months are all about rejuvenation. I'm looking forward to it - excited even: a return to who and what I really am.

Some days are just harder than others...

2009-10-26T23:28:00.002+11:00

Today was one of those days. Though on the face of it - it doesn't really stand out as monumentally different from any other regular day - but today I didn't weather it very well.

I've been quiet of late because I've been wrapped up in myself - although I usually do believe the world revolves around me (my attempt at humour) lately my world has been just me.

Cocooning.

Sometimes you just feel the need.

Not for much longer I hope - but days like today make it difficult to believe that breaking out of the cocoon is a good idea.

But I will. Soon.

Loving the horoscopes these days...

2009-10-20T23:14:00.001+11:00

Only wish they would actually come true:

"You need to get out in the world and meet people -- your energy is just right for making connections and impressing people with your no-nonsense attitude. Productivity may soar! "

Okay - I found something on Facebook I actually kinda like....

2009-10-20T00:21:00.000+11:00

Horoscopes on Facebook: "It's a great time for you to get involved in a new love affair -- or to rekindle your romance with your long-term partner. Your amazing personal energy is best spent with someone you're passionate about."

Now if only just one of these damn horoscopes came true!!!!!!

Cold Shouldered!!!

2009-10-01T19:08:00.002+10:00

Okay, I'm on a bit of a roll....
(maybe because of that single beer thing... (scroll down - so not up to linking....))

There's this woman that I've known for quite a few years from work. She's one of those people that's hard to get to know, but over time, I thought we'd become friends. Met her for drinks occasionally, she'd been part of birthday dinners - so wasn't probably so far out of line,

However...

In recent months, we'd worked closer together than previously - and when she moved on, I thought perhaps our working together had damaged our friendship (if I haven't mentioned what a stress case I've been at work in recent months - its important to note now...and really if she was upset with me I truly wouldn't blame her)

However...

Since she's been gone, we've gone for drinks - so I kinda figured I was being a little paranoid and that really everything was okay.

Until a work function earlier this week.

Cold shouldered.

Really cold shouldered.

I wish I could take back the words "hey, want to catch up for a drink?" Pretty sure based on the non-verbal feedback I got that she'd rather stay at home and stab herself with forks...

Weird really - because I know sometimes I can be a force to be reckoned with - but I had given her a few opportunities to tell me if she was unhappy with me. I would have taken it on the chin - because although there's always two sides to any story, I'm pretty sure a lot of fault could be laid at my feet.

It's a shame really - but for once in my life - I'm just going to let it go. I can't be anything other than myself - and apparently that is unpalatable to her. Just sorry to find out in the way I did.

Oh well, no permanent frostbite this time at least...

I broke it - the wish necklace update...

2009-10-01T19:05:00.003+10:00

I wore that damn necklace for over a year.

Seriously.

To the point that the thread (that was suppose to break within a month or so...) kept shrinking and finally looked like it was choking me. (small exaggeration perhaps. but only small....) My best friend asked if it hurt -so not far off...

Anyway - when I got home from Canada, I don't know what came over me, but I just ripped it off.

It took me a year, but I got tired of it.

Think I got tired of the wish many, many months ago, so have no idea why I waited for so long to take it off.
Too superstitious perhaps.

Hope ripping it off isn't bad karma....

Singles

2009-10-01T19:03:00.002+10:00

I just discovered you can buy a SINGLE beer at the bottle shop.

Just one.

At a time.

Oooh - that spells disaster.....

I found it on my trip home

2009-09-26T17:49:00.003+10:00

My mom kept telling me that I had left something behind lwhen I was home late last year. She tried to describe it for me but really, I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

Went home about a month ago and she reminded me about it and lo and behold she was right! There it was on the front hall counter!

My sense of humour!!!!

Put it into my front pocket right smartly.
Didn't realise how much I'd missed it.....

The things you find while surfing the net....

2009-09-26T17:41:00.003+10:00

I came across the list below. Would be great if it was about me, however I few things are a dead giveaway:
- #15?? Not a chance this is me...
- I'm hoping #18 isn't me...
- #39 - definitely not me either...

Oh - and I gotta say - initially I thought this was pretty funny, but a couple things are bugging me... 1. this guy sounds a little needy, and 2? he can't count

Sixty Reasons I Love Laura
1. Her smile
2. Her bright eyes
3. Her zest for life
4. Her playfulness
5. Her rich imagination
6. Her sense of humor
7. Her passion
8. Her creativity
9. Her sensuality
10.Her initiative
11.Her 'joie de vivre'
12.Her spontaneity
13.Her love for animals
14.Her love for children and babies
15.Her cooking
16.Her courage
17.Her cuddlyness
18.Her large gentle hands
19.Her caress
20.Her full body hugs
21.Her kiss
22.Her backrubs
23.Her love for me
24.Her ability to see deep into me
25.Her appreciation of the things I do
26.Her ability to know what to say and do when I need comforting
27.Her encouraging me to 'fight back' when I was so timid in our early days
28.Her sense of justice
29.Her ability to make me feel secure
30.Her encouragement of all my creative efforts
31.Her ability to inspire me
32.Her deep concern for everyone she loves
33.Her foresight
34.Her unique insights into problems
35.Her adventurous nature
36.Her always active mind
37.Her sentimentality
38.Her romantic nature
39.Her willingness to admit an error
40.Her outgoing nature
41.Her understanding of my passion
42.Her ability to give honest criticism when I ask
43.Her understanding when I disagree, and go ahead with my original idea
44.Her ability to compromise
45.Her willingness to try new things
46.Her ability to change her mind
47.Her sense of style
48.Her wit
49.Her love of life
50.Her love of nature
51.Her appreciation of my enthusiasm, even if she doesn't share that particular enthusiasm
52.Her joy in being loved
53.Her ability to take a stand
54.Her flexibility
55.Her ability to get over being angry
56.Her belief in herself
57.Her belief in me
58.Her energy
59.Her determination
60.Her love for her family
61.Her sense of community
62.Her sense of fair play
63.Her being fully present to the moment
64.Her generous nature
65.Her radiance that proceeds from every cell of her being

Some online shopping perhaps?

2009-09-26T17:39:00.000+10:00

You might want to try this link:

http://www.i-heart-shop.com/index.cfm?action=section&sectionID=687662

The golfing gorilla

2009-09-19T20:27:00.001+10:00

So golf.
I like golf – not so much all weekend long (yes, I can hear the gasp of horror from here) but me, I’m more a sampler of things when it come to sporting activities rather than a dedicated athlete.
Exception?
Armchair football.
Music. Oh wait – not a sport. Sorry, but my love of music pushes it into any and every category there is….
Back to golf.
Haven’t played since I broke my elbow. (That was so painful, it made me cry – which is why my brother knew it was broken (according to my siblings, I am a crybaby – but I never cry from physical injuries….) then I passed out.)
Managed to break it just a month after bringing my clubs over.
If nothing else – I’m all about timing…
But I used to golf with work sometimes back in Canada.
One such outing prompted my boss to tell me the story about the golfing gorilla:
So…this guy take a gorilla golfing. Sets him up on the tee, hands him a driver and lets him at it.
Gorilla swings.
Smacks the ball 400 yds.
Straight down the fairway where it rolls to a stop about a foot from the hole.
People are impressed!
Amazed.
There’s even some clapping…
The guy thinks this is fabulous (already planning in his head how to make money off the gorilla) and sets him up to putt – actually gives him his favourite putter….
Gorilla swings.
Smacks the ball 400 yards.

Apparently that’s also the way I play. I can hit it a ton off the tee (straight even) but yeah, no short game.
None whatsoever.
Good ol’ baseball swing…
(Truth be told, I’m not really into delicate – I prefer to smash and hit for the fences…)
Yeah. I mentally still play baseball even though I have a golf club in my hand.

Did I mention...

2009-09-19T20:24:00.002+10:00

I'm really crap at shaving my legs.
Sounds frivolous, but this is becoming quite a serious issue as we head into summer here...
Seriously - I think I've managed to 'epilady' all those suckers out and then it only takes one moment of sunshine and I realise I have something akin to a grassy landing strip up the side of my leg...

Sigh

If only I cared more - I might actually do it right.

They do know its meant to be baseball, not boxing right?

2009-09-16T20:48:00.000+10:00

God love 'em - Jays duking it out in the Bronx....

http://www.canada.com/sports/Jays+Yankees+rumble+Bronx/1997757/story.html

Sharp tongue...Sharp fingers

2009-09-12T23:44:00.002+10:00

Same thing really.

Seems I apparently can be quite cutting - and perhaps a little sharp.

Going to eat me some humble pie....

Lesson learnt? Ughhh - you think I would have learnt this one by now - its not like I haven't done it before - but I need to stop and think instead of simply reacting and shooting from the hip.

Really - I'm never going to learn that...
Damn.

Means I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life apologising.
Damn.
Well - at least I'm generally good at that.
It's not like I haven't had lots of practice.....

I can't do funerals

2009-09-12T22:32:00.003+10:00

I'm not saying I won't do them, I'm saying I can't do them. They make me cry - like really cry. (I'm such a baby.) To be clear - when I say funerals - I do mean like real ones that you attend (more on that later) but also ones on tv.

Seriously.

I'm sitting here watching Anne of Green Gables (like the loser I am on a Saturday night...) and Matthew's just died. I've seen this show at least 5 times - if not more (like the good Canadian I am) and yet I still cry.

And this is only tv!!!

You should see me at a real funeral. Its unbearable. I can't control it - the tears just stream down. Its like someone turns a faucet on and it just goes. A few years back, my family attended our ministers funeral - and maybe its because he presided over my father's - but tears ran down my face from beginning to end. To the point my brother looked at me and said "really??? what's with you?" in an incredulous whisper.

It almost made me laugh - because I so agreed with him.

The good thing is that tv funerals only last a few minutes.
Matthew's is over now - so I'm good now.

I'm sure there's something wrong with me - but at least now I can return to watch the rest of the show...

"So how is it that a girl like you is still single?"

2009-09-11T22:57:00.002+10:00

That's number one on my list of really stupid fucking questions.

How in the hell are you meant to answer that?
And the worst part is that generally when people ask, they already think they know the answer. And sometimes they can't help themselves but share it.
Apparently current reasons include:

I'm too picky
I'm a 'career' girl (whatever that means - and besides whoever said that really doesn't know me)
I'm too smart
I don't like men (not true - but that doesn't stop some of the older generation from thinking if I'm this old and single, I must be gay....)

I'm sure there have been other reasons, but damned if I know what they are.

What kills me is when some guy asks me that. Especially when they rave on about how wonderful I am and then ask. What the??? I actually think they are in a better place to comment on that than me... seeing as they're the guy who doesn't want to date me...

Not sure where this rant came from today - but I'm just here to entertain....

One of the rules of life: #53 Be Nice

2009-09-10T21:56:00.002+10:00

My friend gave me the book "The Rules of Life" as a belated birthday present.
Not really my thing but I read it through on the flight from Toronto to Los Angeles.
Interesting.
Some good ideas.
Simple rules - but some that are hard to live by.

Like rule #53: Be Nice.

I broke that one today. It doesn't matter what provoked it, I still didn't take the higher ground.

Repercussions will likely be felt tomorrow.
The worst possible outcome: there are no repercussions and I'm greeted with silence...

Part of the trials and tribulations???

2009-09-10T17:01:00.002+10:00

I miss winter.
I miss snow.
I miss the seasons.

I miss Canada.

Don't get me wrong, I love Australia, what with the sunshine, beaches, great weather (mostly) and casualness, but its just not home.

And home is something I seem to be craving these days...

Just ask

2009-09-10T16:56:00.002+10:00

The truth is, I'm pretty shy. (Some of you may think that's unbelievable - but really - its true)
And I'll do anything to avoid rejection.
Including being cryptic in conversations and taking the long road to get to the point.

Something that if you mix with how straight forward I am, can only spell disaster.

So recently, I wanted to know something and I decided I was just going to have to come out and ask.
But it took me a few tries to screw up the courage.

It didn't turn very well.
Now all I want to say is something along the lines of shutting the front door (see my earlier post)
But you know what?
Now I know.
And all I had to do was ask..

He chose me

2009-09-06T11:55:00.002+10:00

(I think this is my favourite so far...)

You know, its funny, but only a day after I chose me (see earlier post) so did someone else!

I had so much fun. He was so funny. I wouldn't call him 'sweet' but he was really good to me.

And good for me.

A gentle giant, big bear of a man. (His hands were so big that when he held mine, it disappeared. Yum!!)

It really is the little things that count.

Shut the Front Door

2009-09-06T11:49:00.003+10:00

I told you I had a lot to write about.... It's all coming out at once!!!

This one I have to write about so I don't forget.

My best friend has three girls all around the early teen years. So, old enough to fully understand conversations and their content (no matter what the subject) but still young enough that perhaps they don't need to be exposed to all of it.

But her and I can't help but talk (okay - mostly me, but she's right in there with me as well...) so we work around the above problem by talking in a best friend short hand code which mostly works for us - except we're really bad at the swearing thing (I am by far the worst offender though...) and I usually end up stuffing up in front of the kids (bad Laura...)

But not this year. By the time I arrived she had a new code all ready for use:

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!

Beautiful.

It's very liberating to use as well: the right number of syllables and mostly the right consonants.

Verbal satisfaction without the corruption of minors.

Perfect.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

I choose me!

2009-09-06T11:41:00.002+10:00

You know, being home was fabulous. I feel fully restored to my former self (well, former self with bad jet lag....)

So what happened? Well, nothing really. Nothing except a lot of time (and a lot of quality time) with people whom I love - and love me.

I've always said I have fabulou friends at home - and you know - even though I've been gone 7 years, they still come through.

How right was I?
And how fabulous are my friends?

I love the late night talks at the cottage - because that's where you get the quality chats in . The ones where you get to the heart of the matter. The ones where you laugh til you cry - without seeminf to talk about serious shit along the way - yet somehow you do.

I had one such chat one night with my best friend and somewhere in the midst of it I said "no one ever chooses me".

Now, I can't remember how we got to that point or what precipitated that comment, but I want to be clear: it was not said in a self-pitying kind of way.

Not at all.

It just kind of sums up the last few years.

So it sounds bad - but its really not. See, I got to thinking about it and I wondered why I was expecting others to choose me, when I never seem to choose myself.

A few nights later (another late night conversation at the cottage) I was rehashing with another of those fabulous life long friends I have and I told her about it and she corrected me and said that in fact, many people choose me. Her being one of them.

A slight different perspective on what I originally meant, but still, she was right.

And in the end, its not just them, its me as well.

I choose me too.

I'm back

2009-09-04T13:58:00.002+10:00

Hi - I've been in the land up over - also known as the great white north - however there was no whiteness to be had.

Feeling good. Feeling refreshed.

Which means.....

Lots of stories. Now I know I had a set plan of writing once a day - however, I don't really seem to like rules... so I will post as the spirit hits, which might be a few times a day at the moment...

Must go get my little notebook. Hope you missed me.
I must admit - I'm not sure I'm happy to be back, but I am happy that I feel like writing again!

A catchup....

2009-08-10T22:04:00.002+10:00

Sorry been away...

August 6 - Guy 6
I can't write about this one. It makes me want to cry (mostly in frustration). Besides, I swore I'd never write about work....

August 7 - Guy 7
Nice man at the motel checking me in. Despite the dodgy surroundings, his niceness made me feel safe

August 8 - Guy 8
This seems wrong at some level - but I gotta put it in anyway: my brother. Nothing like a little 'fun' game to revert us back to childish behaviour. It was very funny for me niece.

August 9 - Guy 9
Crazy cab driver guy.
No joke - this guy was freaking nuts.
Don't believe me? I ended up at the police station....which reminds me, I need to change the guy to Mr. Policeman.
Mmmmm, men in uniform. Mmmmm, men in uniform, that are blond, cute, fit and have an accent.
Mmmmmm.
(Since when do I like blondes???? Never - I mean I've dated them, but they've never been my 'type')

August 10 - Guy 10
His name is Ian. He's a sweetheart. (And yes, that of course means he's married...)

Man - what I embarked on this challenge - I didn't realise how tough this would be (and how I really need to pay more attention to the world around me....)

August 5 - Guy 5

2009-08-05T18:58:00.002+10:00

So today was rather uneventful. Today I had lunch with an old colleague/friend. He's a guy - therefore he qualifies for today....

You know - I think I had an underlying purpose in this little challenge in that I was suppose to look around at the men in my world and start noticing them.

I think I'm doing a crap job if that was really the aim. I had to sit and think for a few minutes to even come up with a guy to talk about. And then, I came up with an old colleague - which is kind of missing the point....

Tomorrow I will try to do better!!!

August 4 - Guy 4

2009-08-04T19:14:00.002+10:00

Okay - I've finally found something I like about Facebook (pick yourselves up off the floor!!!)

AND

I've even found something good about old boyfriends finding me... (the word old can be used in more than one way...)

Guy #4.

No, not the old boyfriend....his son.

Does that make me a cougar?? Actually, I think that just makes him a dirty old man.... (with a very cute son....)

August 3 - Guy 3

2009-08-04T19:12:00.001+10:00

Sorry I'm a little late with this one, but after my fitness test, I was too tired to blog....

Speaking of fitness test - hello to Guy #3 (actually it was just me and all the guys) but one gets special mention for the sweet wave goodbye and the cute 'see ya'.

Yummy.....

August 2 - Guy 2

2009-08-02T18:06:00.002+10:00

Well its the second day of the challenge, and so far, so good. (I usually have great ideas but then somehow never manage to carry it all the way through...)

So Guy #2 is going to be music guy.

Music guy is the one I wrote about a few days ago - the one I chickened out of meeting just the other week.

Anyway - seems it was my fault (as if I didn't know that) but all is forgiven. I heard back from him today (so he meets the challenge criteria) and we'll catch up either this week or next.

Not quite sure about the rules I've set - do the 31 days of August need a different guy for each day? If so, you'll never find out about how it went....

Well, will play it by ear.

August 1 - Guy 1

2009-08-01T23:36:00.002+10:00

I almost forgot about the August challenge!! My mind is so mush these days....

Well, I'm revising the challenge slightly - it isn't going to make today's post very good, but its going to make it more interesting and more challenging for me.

Don't worry - you guys will live through it...

So the change? Well, whomever I write about - has to be a part of my day for whatever reason. Someone I see on the commute, or someone I've remembered - but remembered that day. Make sense? (Actually, it makes it easier for me to know what to write about...)

So today's a bit of a problem... Long story (which I won't bore you with) but I didn't actually get out of bed until 5:30pm today so I've had limited exposure to the outside world... so my choices today are limited. Thank God for tv!!!

Guy #1: Tommy Lee Jones
I'm sitting here watching The Fugitive and I'm kind of mesmerised by Tommy Lee Jones. I remember when this movie came out - I know Tommy had been around for a while, but this was really his 'big' movie; the movie where he earned a reputation for being 'sexy'. He may have even been in the running that year for People's Sexiest Man. (I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look it up - but its ringing a bell).

Anyway - I'm watching this movie and for the life of me, I don't get it. He's got a craggy face, he's rude and a bunch of other things that do not equate to sexy.

Actually, it barely makes him interesting. Really, he only comes off a bully.

I'm sure Tommy doesn't give a damn what I think - not so sure you do either... but Day 1 is done. Let's hope this challenge improves with age!!

The August challenge

2009-07-26T16:57:00.003+10:00

Okay - I just had a thought...

See, as I was posting my last entry, I realised my last three little notes were about guys and I've decided that for each day in August (where travel doesn't impinge on my ability to write) I am going to write about some guy.

Any guy.

It can be someone I know, someone I've just met, someone who's come back from the cobwebby corner of my memories - it can even be just someone I've simply just seen on the street. Yep, don't even need to have talked to him (might even be better that way...)

Why? you may ask. Well, there's probably a thousand reasons I can come up with why I'd do that, but here's just a few:
1. I need a specific topic to make me write more (I've been neglectful of late)
2. If its about guys - some of you back home will at least be entertained.
3. I need a new focus - there's been too much work focus of late...
4. I don't know, the whole idea slightly amuses me.

Once I get through August - I will come up with a new topic for September (and am open to suggestions). We can make this interactive if you wish...

A week of peace before the madness begins!

Unbelievable!!!

2009-07-26T16:54:00.001+10:00

Now some guy who I knew in Grade 7 has found me!!

How much do I hate Facebook???????

Okay - here's the thing - if I haven't spoken to you since Grade 7? There's probably a good reason - one over and above your prison record....
Not that that wouldn't be reason enough.

Chicken "bok bok"

2009-07-25T11:23:00.002+10:00

A few weeks ago, I took this weekend course. I got there on the Saturday morning a little late and not only did I not know a soul -I realised that the class was dominated by what seemd to be a pretty tight clique. It didn't really matter, but it did mean that I didn't go to the pub after the class. However, by Sunday a few people had talked to me and so I scrapped up the courage and went along to the pub.

I have to tell you - music attracts a really weird group of people.... But there were some gems. One of the guys was really funny and had me laughing - made it worth the pub mingling. As I left to go home, he asked for my number. Everyone was exchanging details so I thought what the hell..

Anyway - he's been emailing me off and on - (the on and off is actually more reflective of how crap I am at responding). I don't know what it is - he's a nice guy, he's funny, but he's not really my type (for a lot of Seinfeld reasons....) so I've probably been a little less than cooperative about getting together.

Anyway, I was telling one of my friends the other day and she kind of called me on it. Basically asking what the hell was wrong with me - that I'd met someone who's nice and makes me laugh. Wasn't that enough?

So the next time he suggested getting together I agreed.

So yesterday was the day ,ut I hadn't heard from him and by 5pm I was so exhausted from work I was thinking I could just go home and crawl into bed instead.
The idea took hold and I started to work out the details:
- pick up takeaway on way home from work.
- cocoon in flat (= don't answer phone or door)
I actually thought this sounded like a good idea, but in the end, I didn't need to go through such planning as I didn't hear from him.

Truth be told? I think I was meant to email him earlier this week and confirm or something and I managed not to..

Oops.

When did I become such a coward???

Another blast from the past

2009-07-24T19:41:00.002+10:00

Or should I say bomb?

Must admit, I'm feeling a little shell-shocked....

Now before I even start, it's unbelievable that for someone who hates Facebook as much as I do - I write about it so often.... But then again, I'm writing about what bugs me.... But then again - if it bugs me so much - why don't I stop using it?

Well, truth is - I rarely, if ever, log in - I only do in order to answer an email or a friend request. No games, no quizzes - and when I do log in, I don't understand all the drivel and where people get the time for it.

But back to friend requests. It seems - despite having an extremely common name (there must be 1,000s of me on Facebook) - old boyfriends are finding me at every turn.

The kicker this time is this guy sends me a friend request saying 'I popped up as a 'suggested friend''.

What?
Don't you have to know someone in common?
Some mutual friend somewhere?
Never mind that we're not anywhere near the same continent...
We have absolutely ZERO connections of any kind.

So 'suggested friend'?
Me thinks no.

Me still thinking about the request....

(Have I ever mentioned my hitting the 'reject' button on a request? And how good that made me feel? Kind of like proof that there is romantic justice in this world...)

You don't always get what you need, sometimes you get what you deserve....

2009-07-18T19:22:00.002+10:00

Like if you name your cat Monster - its unlikely you're going to end up with a well-behaved animal.

Just a thought.

Though there are other things that I don't deserve or need, yet I seem to have - like my current job (please let no one from my company read this) or a couple of other mainstays in life (which I will not elaborate on..)

But in times like these, you just have to believe in karma. That this much trial and tribulation will result in something really wonderful and the bastards that have put you through all this? Well, they will get what they deserve...

"Dance your ass off"???

2009-07-16T15:20:00.002+10:00

They have created a show called "Dance your ass off" that is a mix of "Dancing for the stars" and "Biggest Loser".

There are a lot of people smoking some strong shit that has enabled them to believe this is a good idea. (I think I'd like some - imagine how happy I'd be about my job??)

But you know what makes it worse? There are contestants that are WILLINGLY dressing themselves in revealing clothes to dance in while in front of the cameras - despite easily being over 200 POUNDS!!!

Seriously - what are people on these days?? Whatever happened to self-respect and/or a little pride?

Pride is not always a bad thing...

What I'm really crap at...

2009-07-06T23:08:00.001+10:00

Answering emails.

Sorry.

(Oh - and recently? blogging - but I guess I didn't need to tell you that one... Sorry again...)

You know you're a regular when....

2009-06-28T10:52:00.002+10:00

You show up to your favourite brunch spot that overlooking the water and the manager comes over to seat you and says "oh, you don't need a menu do you?"

serves me right for being sucha creature of habit!

The simple things

2009-06-20T18:51:00.002+10:00

Maybe its a sign of how uneventful my life is these days that I notice this - but one small move of a lamp from one bedside table to another has made all the difference in ambience in my bedroom.

A small thing, a simple thing, but a nice thing.

And it didn't even cost me a thing!

Okay - on re-reading this, it sounds like I really need to get a life - but honestly, life's finally feeling okay these days.

Happiness in the small things. Its all good...

The things that get me in trouble....

2009-06-09T23:00:00.001+10:00

Apparently my sense of humour doesn't always go over well...

Wonder how much trouble I'm actually in.

Let's hope good sense prevails!!!

Return to Venus

2009-06-08T21:28:00.002+10:00

Not that I follow horoscopes or anything, but apparently my sign is returning to Venus.

Its all about how I'm going to be really attractive - in that I'll attract people. Apparently my looks will improve - but it may be at the expense of my pocketbook....

So my question is, how much damage am I actually going to do?
Buy some new clothes?
Buy a whole new wardrobe?
Or go the whole hog and invest in some plastic surgery????

Hmm. Don't know yet - but I am looking forward to meeting whomever it is I'm suppose to be attracting.

Fingers crossed!

Another reason to hate Facebook...

2009-06-08T13:07:00.002+10:00

So a friend sends me an invite to take a quiz on what I should do with my life.

I figure - what the harm?

My results: best at everything.

Best at everything?? What kind of answer is that??????

More details:

You are the social person who makes useful contacts. You introduce
important people to influencial people and always reap some sort of reward as a
result... but you dont enjoy the spotlight as much. You prefer to stay in the
back as there is more room to stretch and you like the feeling that you are the
one with the power and most of the time that is true... You will do well in
almost any field. You know how to flatter without being too obvious and you can
make just about anyone like you!

What the??

Studying Sucks

2009-05-31T21:53:00.001+10:00

Need I say more???

Babe

2009-05-26T20:42:00.002+10:00

Long story short?

I was out the other day and this guy called me 'Babe' in that possessive way that suggested I was his girlfriend.

It was only a joke (and it was very funny - but by the time I finish explaining it to you - if you're still awake - it probably won't be funny....) but...

it still made me feel good.

It's been so long since someone was possessively affectionate.
Forgot how much I missed that.

My Ferry Friend

2009-05-22T20:52:00.003+10:00

When you travel the same ferry every day to and from work - you end up with ferry friends: people you see every day, you say hello, maybe even talk about the weather - yet, you hardly ever know their names despite having enacted this ritual for years.

I have a 5 minute friend. We joke about it. We talk for the 5 minutes it takes us to get off the ferry and walk out of the terminal - at which point we walk our own ways. In reality - we're probably more like 3 minute friends. The other day, I randomly ended up beside him on the ferry - and after 30 seconds, he turned to his paper and I turned to my studying - because there was no way we'd be able to sustain a 20 minute conversation. 5 would have been pushing it - however, we did manage the 3 minute chat once disembarking again.

Then the other day I ran into one of my other ferry friends. Again, I ended up randomly beside him - actually had to ask him to let me in the row. Didn't realise it was him until he looked up - so said hello. Talked about the weather, and the again, read the paper kind of stuff. And today it happened again and I was so surprised it was him when he looked up that I blurted out "You again!"

He laughed and then suggested that running into each other like this was a sign that I was stalking him. That early in the morning its pretty hard to generate any energy for an inflammatory remark - even one like that, so all I could summon up in response was "Yeah", latent with dry sarcasm.

He laughed as he moved for me to sit down and then added, "Well, that would be fair enough considering I stalked you all last year."

Hmmm.

I told him that I'd been too tired and hadn't noticed. Then he turned to his paper and I turned to my studying.

Nothing like a little flirting to start the day!!

I really like my ferry friends - even if I don't know their names.

Awesome!

2009-05-20T19:52:00.001+10:00

How to tell if you're in Canada?

Everybody uses the word 'awesome'.

A LOT

Change is in the air

2009-05-20T19:35:00.002+10:00

I don't know what it is (and I'm not blaming it on the global financial crisis - aka 'gfc' - kay, small tangent - isn't it unbelievable that newscasters have actually turned the state of the economy into an acronym? An acronym? Seriously, what is this world coming to...)

Wow - I'm going to have to start that sentence again...

I don't know what it is, but the change in the air is almost palpable. You know how you can feel the wet before the rain? Well ladies and gentlement, change is coming in my little world.

Not sure yet what form its going to take - but my prediction has been made! Will report back when it happens....

I only wish...

2009-05-16T17:14:00.000+10:00

My weekend horoscope:

This is bound to be your weekend in many ways with the Suns power illuminating your sign and making some very interesting connections. You are not only mentally stimulated, but physically too and imbued with the urge to do different things, shake up your routine and even make changes to your environment and self. Catch these energies while they are hot and run with them. A great weekend for celebrations.

Enough already

2009-05-15T20:06:00.001+10:00

In case you didn't hear me earlier, I said 'Uncle'.

I'm thinking the universe didn't hear. Should I scream it instead??

O ankles, wherefore art thou?

2009-05-06T20:55:00.002+10:00

Seriously, after getting off the plane, my ankles had swollen to the point that my ankle bones were no longer visible.

And I have skinny ankles!

Normally.

And you know its true because I bemoan my weight so much that if I say something's skinny - it's skinny!

An ankle deep dip in the ocean helped - but only a little...

Welcome to Canada!

2009-05-06T20:51:00.002+10:00

Some random thoughts from my recent trip:

Note to self - when travelling to Vancouver in April - PACK SOCKS!

First things first:

Tim Horton's first stop after getting off the plan.
Hmmmm, maple donuts!!!

Notes to self

2009-05-01T16:06:00.002+10:00

when preparing to travel overseas, check passport expiry date BEFORE packing at midnight the night before departure.
renew passport where you live - irrespective of what citizenship - it spares you all the the snide comments from both the embassy where you live and the passport office in the home country.

My Perfect Day

2009-04-25T14:30:00.001+10:00

5 visits to Starbucks.

5 different drinks...... and none of them had coffee.

Only in Seattle.

My First Boyfriend

2009-04-24T14:25:00.002+10:00

You know, I've previously blogged about how much I dislike Facebook - but I think I'm going to have to recant...

See - organising my trip has been made substantially easier due to Facebook (who knew so many of my friends were on it?? especially the friends you can never track down.. (John - if you're reading this: I mean you!)) but that was more like the icing on the cake.

The best thing about Facebook is that my very first boyfriend from high school found me. It was really nice to hear from him. He's happily married with kids - but he saw me so dropped a note to say hello. He has the same sense of humour and was so sweet to me that I remembered why I had liked him so many years ago. Made me feel good. And made me realise that I have good taste!

Facebook - I still think its mostly a popularity contest, but I'm liking it!

46 degrees

2009-04-21T07:35:00.002+10:00

No shit.

I was laughing when I first arrived because I had packed relatively summer like clothes - not really thinking about the difference in season from Sydney to LA to Vancouver. I was pretty sure I was going to have to buy myself a fleece the first night I was here it was so cool.

Apparently I did pack correctly.

Actually - in this heat, you don't really need clothes so I potentially overpacked. Except - yup, I wouldn't do that. Besides - although I'm staying with former flatmates - which is great cause its so relaxing and easy to just hang out - clothes are still a requirement...

Hot. Brain no longer working. Hot.

Happy birthday to me!

2009-04-14T20:40:00.002+10:00

No - you haven't forgotten - I've just started celebrating early.

This is the year that's all about me (yes, you're right - that's really no different from any other..)

Anyhoo..

So far, the list of presents to me include:
- trip overseas (x2)
- weekend away
- new tv
- some cool new shirt this weekend

but the best of all?

I just bought myself a new car. On the way home while I was on the ferry. (How cool is that? Being on a ferry and buying yourself a car!!!)

I've never owned a new car before.

Okay - I don't officially own it yet - but as of tomorrow I'm doing the final paperwork.

Aren't birthdays great?

The great cracking..

2009-04-08T20:59:00.002+10:00

Lately, I've been joking that people are witnessing the great cracking of LJ Ryan. I don't know why, but it's kind of been amusing me.

The truth is - I didn't crack - but I think I came close.

What made me think of that is that today hasn't been a very spectacular day, but it been by far the best worst day I've had in ages.

That doesn't really sound great - but it actually is.

Tragedy has struck!!

2009-04-05T21:49:00.002+10:00

My tv is broken.

Or at least I think its broken. It just turns itself off. Randomly.

Or maybe its not random... Maybe its trying to tell me something... Like I watch it too much - or it doesn't like to be stared at....

Tempermental little sh*t!

I could give it up for a while...

Or I could simply go shopping...

If you love me and you know it...

2009-04-03T20:57:00.002+11:00

..say hello.

Okay - I'm fessing up front - I've been at the pub too long tonight.

But seriously - I know there are some of you who visit daily and never comment. Why not say hello? Or you can drop me an email.

Don't be shy.

And I've been waiting..

2009-04-01T20:16:00.002+11:00

What's the saying? Good things come to those who wait? Yup. Been waiting - so now I'm starting to recount the good...

Yesterday I met my mentor for a cuppa for the first time. Without revealing too much, he's this Irish guy who actually went to the same university as me - but is not Canadian. So, a couple of similarities.

I won't tell you all that we talked about - but I have to admit - just one coffee made me feel hopeful. He gave me some really good advice - but more important than that, he summed me up in less than 45 minutes - so he gets me. So something friends of mine haven't been able to do in years of knowing me (there are some exceptions) he did in less than an hour.

Impressive.

He seemed to understand (though I did tell him) that I need help navigating the politics without compromising who I am. He got it. We're similar in some ways - but he's way more polished than me. I could learn a lot - and seeing as I'm ready to listen and actively asking advice - I think it could be good.

Two comments on where my weaknesses/development areas may be, comments I don't want to forget (and ones that were amazingly accurate) were:

I take any form of rejection very, very hard
my outer skin is paper thin

I've been given homework - which I will do tonight.

As I said earlier - good things come to those who wait.

I think this is a good thing.

Sad but true

2009-03-30T20:47:00.002+11:00

I've been watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls. Ones I've seen before - and you know what? Despite knowing what's going to happen - they still have the power to make me cry.

Who knew I was such a sap?

Who knew?

What's your star sign?

2009-03-29T20:25:00.003+11:00

Seriously - that line was used on me today.

I was also asked if I was a Yankee.

Seriously.

Note to self - if you ever feel unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated - simply go shopping for a car and be hit on all afternoon long.

Just don't ask me what they looked like.

What I forgot

2009-03-29T20:09:00.003+11:00

The original thing I was meaning to write about yesterday. See when I to see the massage person - I said I didn't really have any aches and pains. Afterwards she said to me I needed a little work because my back was so tense. I told her it didn't really hurt and she told me the following: "your back is so tense and tight its gone numb - the only time you feel pain is when its about to break"

All I could think was 'welcome to my life'.

Funny in my head in an ironic kind of way.

And so...

2009-03-28T18:21:00.003+11:00

I'm having a bit of low-key weekend because life's been hectic of late and is about to hectic again for the next month.

So what do you do when you do low-key? Well, one thinks of the beach, lounging - basically not a lot. Well, to be honest I haven't managed even that yet today.

I woke early today with the usual awful feeling hanging over me. The one I've had ever since I started on the thyroid medication. When needing to go to work, I fight through it, get up, take the medication and within 10-15 minutes start to feel normal again. But on weekends, I like to sleep in - so I put off taking the medication and try to sleep instead.

Bad idea really, because I never get back to a restful state - and today I just spent hours feeling unwell. Finally something twitched in my brain so I took the medication and managed to have an hour of restful sleep before I headed off to my massage - something I haven't done in ages.

It was good - someone new. She did reikhi as well and at the end she told me what she 'sensed'. Apparently she can tell I suffer from anxiety and that I hold back from saying things I want or need to say. You know, both are true - and I've been working on both - but I only want to talk about the last one: keeping quiet.

I don't know what's happened, but its true. I filter myself. I filter myself at work, I filter myself with some friends and I definitely filter myself on this blog. And its all out of fear. Fear if I say something at work they won't like me anymore and they'll know (like I do) that I don't belong there. I fear saying what I think to friends sometimes (more on that later) and I worry about putting everything that's been happening lately on this blog. Most specifically because I think that there is a person who reads this - at least occasionally - whom I don't want to share those thoughts with. I'd share them in person - but via this blog seems wrong.

You know, I can live with trying to keep quiet at work and I can live with not spilling everything on this blog - but I would like to be able to tell my friends what I need to. And at the risk of being found out through this blog - there is one person in particular that I am concerned about. One person whom I tried to talk to a few weeks ago - but I didn't get out what I needed to.

And it was the most important thing.

It was an explanation and an apology. It was about providing enough information for an understanding and then a letting go of sorts. I don't want to be places I'm not welcome, but I just want to make sure people have all the facts before they decide if I"m unwelcome or not.

So I need to think a little more. Think more about what to do. Talk about it. Write about it. Or maybe just let it all go.

Hmmm.

So - that' s little rambling for today. Something I haven't done in a while. I have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone who's reading - but it makes sense to me.

What happens when your thyroid goes on hiatus....

2009-03-14T17:27:00.002+11:00

Just a short list:

you sleep too much, yet you feel exhausted
your hair dries out and develops a straw quality
your memory starts to give out and you notice that you now need a phone book and can no longer keep all numbers in your head
you get clumsy and break some toes
you can't lose weight - even though you should and even though you've been exercising and watching what you eat
the world seems like too harsh a place and every day feels like a hike up Mount Everest
tears suddenly and unexpectedly appear in your eyes at the most inopportune times

And you know what? Two little white pills taken each morning at least half an hour before you eat makes all that go away (well, maybe not the weight yet, but I'm working on that...) literally overnight. And they're not even drugs - they're just the hormones your body is no longer making.

It's just such a shame that it took over a year to find out what was wrong...

He's just not that into you

2009-02-22T20:36:00.002+11:00

So, as if my life wasn't fodder for at least three or four chapters of this book (note - that I haven't read - no need really if you've been living it...) I decided I would go see it the other night.

I went on my own. Truth is - I really wanted some popcorn...

Anyway, about halfway through the movie I happened to notice a few rows ahead of me, this guy who looked like a guy who really isn't into me - on a date.

Now if you followed that last sentence, you're kind of half laughing in horror.

I wasn't. Not at first.

But then the irony of it all kind of hit me and I had to slightly chuckle to myself.

I knew that movie was a bad idea....

You know what happens when you break your big toe?

2009-02-19T22:02:00.003+11:00

Apparently nothing.

Well, nothing when the x-ray department is closed - except "yup, I think its broken. You'll have to come back tomorrow when x-ray is open"

That was oh so hopeful.