I try. I really try.

Cleaned up some old papers a few days ago and came across a journal I started in January 2002. On the inside cover, I wrote:

LAURA'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:
(Editor's note: already this isn't looking good....)

1) Lose 20 lbs or be 1xx lbs whichever is first (Editor's note: an actual weight was entered but not sharing...)
2) No more smoking. Even socially.
3) Get a job in Australia - get serious about it.
4) Try to break addiction to chocolate.

The funniest part about the above - the reason I put in the option of losing 20 lbs or hitting a certain weight was because I didn't actually know how much I weighed - just that I knew I needed to lose a few pounds. Ten seemed too little so I put twenty. But then I started to worry maybe twenty was too much.... Anyway, you get the picture - not only am I neurotic about my weight, I'm also neurotic about making resolutions about it.

Before I subject you to some excerpts from my journal - I must say I should have added a resolution that I needed to keep my journal until my I achieved my resolutions. Not sure that would have stuck either, but what's that they say about good intentions?? At any rate, my journal keeping only lasted until the 28th of January. I think the following excerpts will help understand why. It begins:

January 1, 2002
- Chocolate mousse dessert at Mom's
- No idea on weight. Too chicken to find out.

January 2, 2002
- Stole brownies from Mom's fridge.

January 3, 2002
- Still haven't stepped on a scale - but no chocolate today - but desperately craving some...

January 4, 2002
- No chocolate yet but it's early - only 7pm
- Ended up stealing some brownies from Mom's.
- Drank a Coke.
- Bad.

January 5 - Stole some chocolates from Laura
January 7 - Stole a couple of chocolates from Pam's desk
January 9 - Chocolate donut and mini Oreos
January 11 - Went to Maddy with Laura. WAY too much to drink.
January 12 - Threw up all day. See yesterday.
January 14 - Stole a few chocolates at work but not too bad.
January 16 - Stole some brownies from Mom's
January 19 - Ate Mars bar.
January 23 - Ate a donut. Ate a LOT at dinner but trying to drink water. (Editor's note - how does that help? I'm whacked...)

I continued in the same vein, until my last entry on January 29th, which went something like this:

January 29, 2002
Went for a run. Had mint Aero as reward. Never going to break addiction or lose weight at this rate. Certainly not going to get a job - since I haven't even tried!

Not only did I not achieve any of my objectives - I didn't even mention one of the Resolutions (#2) at all! (Though I can now report that I am officially a non-smoker - have been for a while - but it didn't happen in 2002). Not only did not smoking not happen in 2002, getting a job in Australia didn't happen that year either - it took until the beginning of 2004 to get that one nailed down. Hate to think how long it would have taken had I not 'gotten serious' about it back in 2002....

As for the weight issue and chocolate addiction? Well, seeing as never got on a scale to see how much I weighed (still haven't now that I come to think of it...) I don't think I achieved that goal. And the chocolate addiction? Not sure that a single day went by without me eating it.Well, it seems I only did eat chocolate if I was hungover, but I don't think drinking to excess every day is really a viable alternative... What's worse, not only did I not solve my chocolate problem, it seems I developed a theft problem along the way... Managed to not buy chocolate for the month, but then, who needs to when you can steal it??? Think I might have to start apologizing to some friends...

So why did I write about this? Well the age-old issue of me thinking I weigh too much and have an addiction to chocolate still haunts me. Daily in fact. But today, when I started to worry about it, I remembered my journal and decided that - although I tried, I really did try - I could no more give up chocolate than stop breathing. So today, as I waged the battle within, I decided just to resign myself to it.

Gotta tell you - that Heaven's double chocolate ice cream bar was SO good, I had two!!