Broken
I seem to be rather morose lately, so I'm going to apologise in advance for this post, but I've had waaaaay too much time to think.
So based on my 6 hours of thinking since I got home from work, I've decided that I'm broken. There's something inherently wrong with me and I'm not sure it can be fixed.
I can go through life and appear quite normal - I've made many friends, hold a good job - actually a really good job, do interesting things with my time like try to learn the guitar, take a writing course, get involved in sports. If I stop there - I not only appear normal, I actually am normal. But once you add a guy to that mix? Game over. I become someone unrecognisable to myself.
Unrecognisable. Not because necessarily of what I do (although last Saturday was not one of my finer moments...), but because of how I think. It suddenly becomes so important to me what somebody else thinks of me that I stop being me. And my many hours of thinking tonight has led me to the conclusion that I'm afraid to be me because I'm afraid of rejection.
Now I know that's a normal feeling - especially when getting to know someone new - someone you really like - but I seem to take it to extremes. I read every nuance, every silence as something significant and twist and turn every word for some hidden meaning. And I become something I don't like, so I can't for the life of me figure out how someone else could like it.
In talking to two of my friends recently, they both, in completely separate conversations with no knowledge of what the other said (they've never even met) told me I was damaged. That I needed to tell this new guy that . Now, you know, I don't necessarily think the sharing of past relationships is vital, necessary or even a good idea when starting something new, so I'm a slow convert to their idea. And if necessary (and I was adamantly told after Saturday, it was necessary in order to explain my behaviour) I can't help but think 'well, so what?" It's not the new guy's problem - and if its true - should I really be trying to embark on something new?
I don't think my past history is anything better or worse than others have experience (though my friends have assured that perhaps I need to re-think that) but I will agree I seem to have taken the ugliness of it to heart (does that make any sense??)
I don't think I can do this new thing. I think I may be permanently broken.
So based on my 6 hours of thinking since I got home from work, I've decided that I'm broken. There's something inherently wrong with me and I'm not sure it can be fixed.
I can go through life and appear quite normal - I've made many friends, hold a good job - actually a really good job, do interesting things with my time like try to learn the guitar, take a writing course, get involved in sports. If I stop there - I not only appear normal, I actually am normal. But once you add a guy to that mix? Game over. I become someone unrecognisable to myself.
Unrecognisable. Not because necessarily of what I do (although last Saturday was not one of my finer moments...), but because of how I think. It suddenly becomes so important to me what somebody else thinks of me that I stop being me. And my many hours of thinking tonight has led me to the conclusion that I'm afraid to be me because I'm afraid of rejection.
Now I know that's a normal feeling - especially when getting to know someone new - someone you really like - but I seem to take it to extremes. I read every nuance, every silence as something significant and twist and turn every word for some hidden meaning. And I become something I don't like, so I can't for the life of me figure out how someone else could like it.
In talking to two of my friends recently, they both, in completely separate conversations with no knowledge of what the other said (they've never even met) told me I was damaged. That I needed to tell this new guy that . Now, you know, I don't necessarily think the sharing of past relationships is vital, necessary or even a good idea when starting something new, so I'm a slow convert to their idea. And if necessary (and I was adamantly told after Saturday, it was necessary in order to explain my behaviour) I can't help but think 'well, so what?" It's not the new guy's problem - and if its true - should I really be trying to embark on something new?
I don't think my past history is anything better or worse than others have experience (though my friends have assured that perhaps I need to re-think that) but I will agree I seem to have taken the ugliness of it to heart (does that make any sense??)
I don't think I can do this new thing. I think I may be permanently broken.
posted by lala at
11:30 PM
1 Comments:
Hey,
No one is broken; changed perhaps, slightly scarred maybe, but not broken... Becuse broken suggests that things can't be fixed or changed.
As for sharing details of past relationships, it honestly depends on the person and where the status of the current relationship is.
Hang in there...
By
Mitch, at 2:23 AM
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