Hi
Hi. It feels like its been a while - life has been so hectic (or should I say work?) and with so much going on it feels like things should have changed tons or at least have something notable to talk about, but no, things are fairly status quo.
The only notable is that I've been told by someone I've been seeing that they only want to be friends. But seeing as this isn't the first time this has happened, it's kind of status quo again.
Truth be told, I'm kind of struggling with that. The hurt of rejection is simmering down, but it still flashes back. In a way I should feel flattered that when he says he wants to be friends, he really means it (mostly that's a line guys use in order to make a quick exit) but it's kind of leaving me torn. I want to be a good friend, he really does need a good friend, but I'm just not sure I'm capable.
The impossible questions just don't go away - why did he like me before but not now? what did I do? why am I so hard to like? how can he want to spend time with me still, yet not be attracted to me?
Apparently its just because he can't cope. He says he's broken. He says he's not interested in anyone else, he's just not sure he wants someone in his life in that way. I'm not sure if that actually makes me feel better or feel worse. I wish if he only wanted to be my friend, he had never tried to be anything else.
I never really told him off, but I did snark at him (which made him go away) but in the end it made me feel so awful, I felt like I had abandoned a friend in need, that I arranged to meet up with him last night.
I'm embarrassed to show that I'm upset - I can hear my mother's voice in my ear saying 'don't let them know they've hurt you. stay strong' - but I can't do it. I'm showing how hurt I am at the risk of being pitied. But I think he should know that he's hurt me.
He was careless with me and he needs to know how that affects me. That is, if he truly wants to be my friend.
I've said almost all of this to him and he's taking it on the chin. He's still around and he still wants me as a friend. I think he's in trouble and I don't think I could live with myself if I simply walked away. I think that would make me a bad friend and that would hurt me as much if not more than still being there.
I must say though - there were moments at dinner last night when I looked at him and in my head just thought: why? how can you just turn attraction off and on like a light switch? why don't you want me? But I did manage to keep those questions to myself.
I was feeling badly last night and had missed a friend's call so I called her back. While I was talking to her I got upset and you know what she said? She said - actually she yelled - that I should stop feeling sorry for myself, that I had a good life because I had family and friends and a job and a place to live and I should just get over it. That sometimes people just stopped liking other people and that I was becoming repetitive. I never answered. But after about 5 minutes I just quietly hung up the phone.
I've spent a lifetime sucking it up and always trying to not show how much things hurt and I'm not doing that anymore. If that makes me repetitive than so be it.
I feel a little stupid that I am so upset when it doesn't seem to upset him. I think I would feel better if I thought he was just the tiniest bit upset and not just relieved (not that he's said he's relieved but I do recall when I broke up with one of my boyfriends, the feeling of relief was overwhelming and I never want to be on the receiving end of that...). I don't understand how he can not be emotionally involved at all if he says he wants to be my friend. It just doesn't compute. But maybe that's where he's right: he is broken.
So that's what I've been up to lately. I haven't been writing because I wanted to keep it to myself and sort it out (that never happens....I don't know what I was thinking...) but I guess on some level I was embarrassed that this happened again, I didn't want to hear 'I told you so' and I don't want my friends to hate him - for two reasons: 1. because I don't and 2. because I have the small, small, teeny weeny part of my heart/soul/being that thinks if he ever can fix himself, I haven't completely ruled him out. Not that I'm sitting waiting for him to fix, but if he does fix and I am still free, that I haven't ruled him out.
The hopeless romantic in me is still alive and kicking. (The more hopeless, the more kicking I think...)
So hopefully he's never found my site and never reads this - but given some people from home were asking, I thought I'd write it down.
The only notable is that I've been told by someone I've been seeing that they only want to be friends. But seeing as this isn't the first time this has happened, it's kind of status quo again.
Truth be told, I'm kind of struggling with that. The hurt of rejection is simmering down, but it still flashes back. In a way I should feel flattered that when he says he wants to be friends, he really means it (mostly that's a line guys use in order to make a quick exit) but it's kind of leaving me torn. I want to be a good friend, he really does need a good friend, but I'm just not sure I'm capable.
The impossible questions just don't go away - why did he like me before but not now? what did I do? why am I so hard to like? how can he want to spend time with me still, yet not be attracted to me?
Apparently its just because he can't cope. He says he's broken. He says he's not interested in anyone else, he's just not sure he wants someone in his life in that way. I'm not sure if that actually makes me feel better or feel worse. I wish if he only wanted to be my friend, he had never tried to be anything else.
I never really told him off, but I did snark at him (which made him go away) but in the end it made me feel so awful, I felt like I had abandoned a friend in need, that I arranged to meet up with him last night.
I'm embarrassed to show that I'm upset - I can hear my mother's voice in my ear saying 'don't let them know they've hurt you. stay strong' - but I can't do it. I'm showing how hurt I am at the risk of being pitied. But I think he should know that he's hurt me.
He was careless with me and he needs to know how that affects me. That is, if he truly wants to be my friend.
I've said almost all of this to him and he's taking it on the chin. He's still around and he still wants me as a friend. I think he's in trouble and I don't think I could live with myself if I simply walked away. I think that would make me a bad friend and that would hurt me as much if not more than still being there.
I must say though - there were moments at dinner last night when I looked at him and in my head just thought: why? how can you just turn attraction off and on like a light switch? why don't you want me? But I did manage to keep those questions to myself.
I was feeling badly last night and had missed a friend's call so I called her back. While I was talking to her I got upset and you know what she said? She said - actually she yelled - that I should stop feeling sorry for myself, that I had a good life because I had family and friends and a job and a place to live and I should just get over it. That sometimes people just stopped liking other people and that I was becoming repetitive. I never answered. But after about 5 minutes I just quietly hung up the phone.
I've spent a lifetime sucking it up and always trying to not show how much things hurt and I'm not doing that anymore. If that makes me repetitive than so be it.
I feel a little stupid that I am so upset when it doesn't seem to upset him. I think I would feel better if I thought he was just the tiniest bit upset and not just relieved (not that he's said he's relieved but I do recall when I broke up with one of my boyfriends, the feeling of relief was overwhelming and I never want to be on the receiving end of that...). I don't understand how he can not be emotionally involved at all if he says he wants to be my friend. It just doesn't compute. But maybe that's where he's right: he is broken.
So that's what I've been up to lately. I haven't been writing because I wanted to keep it to myself and sort it out (that never happens....I don't know what I was thinking...) but I guess on some level I was embarrassed that this happened again, I didn't want to hear 'I told you so' and I don't want my friends to hate him - for two reasons: 1. because I don't and 2. because I have the small, small, teeny weeny part of my heart/soul/being that thinks if he ever can fix himself, I haven't completely ruled him out. Not that I'm sitting waiting for him to fix, but if he does fix and I am still free, that I haven't ruled him out.
The hopeless romantic in me is still alive and kicking. (The more hopeless, the more kicking I think...)
So hopefully he's never found my site and never reads this - but given some people from home were asking, I thought I'd write it down.
posted by lala at
11:52 AM
2 Comments:
your friend is being really insensitive. You're in a mourning phase right now and she should understand that.
By
Anonymous, at 10:40 PM
The "Never let them see you sweat" theory of dealing with others is overrated. There is only so much sucking-up that can be expected of a person. You're trying something different in showing how you feel. That takes courage.
By
Anonymous, at 1:55 AM
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