And so...
I'm having a bit of low-key weekend because life's been hectic of late and is about to hectic again for the next month.
So what do you do when you do low-key? Well, one thinks of the beach, lounging - basically not a lot. Well, to be honest I haven't managed even that yet today.
I woke early today with the usual awful feeling hanging over me. The one I've had ever since I started on the thyroid medication. When needing to go to work, I fight through it, get up, take the medication and within 10-15 minutes start to feel normal again. But on weekends, I like to sleep in - so I put off taking the medication and try to sleep instead.
Bad idea really, because I never get back to a restful state - and today I just spent hours feeling unwell. Finally something twitched in my brain so I took the medication and managed to have an hour of restful sleep before I headed off to my massage - something I haven't done in ages.
It was good - someone new. She did reikhi as well and at the end she told me what she 'sensed'. Apparently she can tell I suffer from anxiety and that I hold back from saying things I want or need to say. You know, both are true - and I've been working on both - but I only want to talk about the last one: keeping quiet.
I don't know what's happened, but its true. I filter myself. I filter myself at work, I filter myself with some friends and I definitely filter myself on this blog. And its all out of fear. Fear if I say something at work they won't like me anymore and they'll know (like I do) that I don't belong there. I fear saying what I think to friends sometimes (more on that later) and I worry about putting everything that's been happening lately on this blog. Most specifically because I think that there is a person who reads this - at least occasionally - whom I don't want to share those thoughts with. I'd share them in person - but via this blog seems wrong.
You know, I can live with trying to keep quiet at work and I can live with not spilling everything on this blog - but I would like to be able to tell my friends what I need to. And at the risk of being found out through this blog - there is one person in particular that I am concerned about. One person whom I tried to talk to a few weeks ago - but I didn't get out what I needed to.
And it was the most important thing.
It was an explanation and an apology. It was about providing enough information for an understanding and then a letting go of sorts. I don't want to be places I'm not welcome, but I just want to make sure people have all the facts before they decide if I"m unwelcome or not.
So I need to think a little more. Think more about what to do. Talk about it. Write about it. Or maybe just let it all go.
Hmmm.
So - that' s little rambling for today. Something I haven't done in a while. I have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone who's reading - but it makes sense to me.
So what do you do when you do low-key? Well, one thinks of the beach, lounging - basically not a lot. Well, to be honest I haven't managed even that yet today.
I woke early today with the usual awful feeling hanging over me. The one I've had ever since I started on the thyroid medication. When needing to go to work, I fight through it, get up, take the medication and within 10-15 minutes start to feel normal again. But on weekends, I like to sleep in - so I put off taking the medication and try to sleep instead.
Bad idea really, because I never get back to a restful state - and today I just spent hours feeling unwell. Finally something twitched in my brain so I took the medication and managed to have an hour of restful sleep before I headed off to my massage - something I haven't done in ages.
It was good - someone new. She did reikhi as well and at the end she told me what she 'sensed'. Apparently she can tell I suffer from anxiety and that I hold back from saying things I want or need to say. You know, both are true - and I've been working on both - but I only want to talk about the last one: keeping quiet.
I don't know what's happened, but its true. I filter myself. I filter myself at work, I filter myself with some friends and I definitely filter myself on this blog. And its all out of fear. Fear if I say something at work they won't like me anymore and they'll know (like I do) that I don't belong there. I fear saying what I think to friends sometimes (more on that later) and I worry about putting everything that's been happening lately on this blog. Most specifically because I think that there is a person who reads this - at least occasionally - whom I don't want to share those thoughts with. I'd share them in person - but via this blog seems wrong.
You know, I can live with trying to keep quiet at work and I can live with not spilling everything on this blog - but I would like to be able to tell my friends what I need to. And at the risk of being found out through this blog - there is one person in particular that I am concerned about. One person whom I tried to talk to a few weeks ago - but I didn't get out what I needed to.
And it was the most important thing.
It was an explanation and an apology. It was about providing enough information for an understanding and then a letting go of sorts. I don't want to be places I'm not welcome, but I just want to make sure people have all the facts before they decide if I"m unwelcome or not.
So I need to think a little more. Think more about what to do. Talk about it. Write about it. Or maybe just let it all go.
Hmmm.
So - that' s little rambling for today. Something I haven't done in a while. I have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone who's reading - but it makes sense to me.
posted by lala at
6:21 PM
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