Weight

This is the worst subject in the world for me. Weight is one of those things (and I mean my weight) that I'm never happy with or happy about, but I have occasional been at peace with my weight. It's at those times that I don't even consider myself thin or fat - I just don't consider myself in weight terms at all.

Over the years - despite constant jabs from my brothers that I'm fat and little niggling nags from my mother about my weight - I have learnt to accept myself as I am, but to try to keep myself fit. See, I'm not tall (5'4" to be exact) but I'm not light. Not at all. A couple of my brothers are built like (to quote my father) 'brick shit houses' and I seem to have inherited not only the broad shoulders that they have, but also the frame. Seems being tiny boned like my mother was never my destiny....

I'm so not light, that even when I was starving to death in Indonesia (okay, slight exaggeration, but not by much - my ribs were sticking out) my BMI was too high for my height. A doctor once told me that I would never be within my range because of my frame (kind of like body builders...) but that as long as I was fit, that's what was important.

Her comment actually made me feel better - and in general now, I'm okay with how I am. Just so long as I don't think about it too much. Or read about it - which I inadvertently did over at the Funky Brown Chick.

Now don't get me wrong - I totally enjoy reading FBC's blog - I find her not only interesting to read, but sometimes thoughtful, sometimes funny and always entertaining. It's just that this post depressed me. Not only because FBC is practically the same height (maybe taller) yet still lighter than me, but I think it was more that it was so obvious how much she beats herself up about her weight - and at least a small part of her equates staying slim with self-worth. And if that's not depressing enough, her post not only struck a chord with me -but judging by the numerous comments her post inspired - it struck a chord with almost every female reading it.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

And yes I mean 'we'. See, I've spent the last few days dragging my sorry ass to swimming, pilates and today I forced myself to go for a bike ride, despite being seriously fatigued all because of that post. I forced myself to go. I'm not sorry - because it was always my intent to get back into training, but I've almost done so at the expense of my health. A few days ago I was merely tired, but now I am well and truly exhausted.

Seems FBC struck home when she talked about Jennifer Hudson. I often worry that's what people think of me: not quite chubby, but definitely not thin enough to be sexy.

Here's hoping peace returns soon...