The darkness before dawn

I've been quiet lately. There's lots going on but I've been unable to write about it. This blog was always my safe place to sort out the things in my life, the place to vent when there was no one else to listen, but a few things have made that change. I have worried about the people who read this. I have worried that if I write what I really think, it will be used against me. I have also worried that perhaps I'm becoming a 'glass is half empty' girl, a constant complainer. But lately, even that's changed. I've just been unable to write it down; to get it out.
So, although I can't comment on exactly what's happening - I'm going to try to express how I feel so perhaps the therpaeutic benefits of this blog can still be realised.

I seem to be experiencing a time of great change again - or I feel its about to happen. This lead up to change is always hard on me. I should be used to it by now as I seem to bring on change fairly regularly throughout my life, but still, I'm finding it hard.

I was talking to someone today in general abstract and a sentence popped in my head: It's always darkest before dawn. This sums up how I feel at the moment. Which isn't necessarily bad, but what I've been doing is wallowing in it. It's time for that to stop.

I need to get some perspective. Perhaps in some instance,s - some distance. So I've decided on a strategy of sorts. I've decided to post the following two notes on my computer:

1. What are you grateful for?
2. It's always darkest before dawn.

The objective is to remind me to think of the good things in my life and stop focusing on the negative. I'm hoping that that will help 90% of the time, but I do realise I won't always be able to be positive - so point 2 is to console me when I can't help but wallow - and remind me that things will get better again. I just need to have patience and faith.

I'm not sure why things seem so bad at the moment. I'm beginning to worry that I've inherited some of my father's depressive tendencies - but I'm not willing to concede to that easy out quite yet. I think perhaps I forget that life is just hard sometimes - and that it's natural to have downswings. I think it may be too simplistic to say its because I live halfway across the world from my family and friends, but I think it's not far off from the truth.

So that's where I'm at and what's going on. A little obtuse - but you get the general picture.