Home

Lately I've been thinking a lot about home. More specifically - about going home. I've been wondering if its time.

I try to remember why I came - and I just can't seem to come up with a good answer. I know I used to say to people it was because I knew it was the right thing to do for me. My gut was unflinching in its surety about moving to Australia. I trusted it. I haven't always listened to my gut (hence my many mistakes) - so I wasn't always right but my gut was.

But lately I've been thinking that maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be forever. It's just that things don't seem to be working so well. It's not like there's anything particularly wrong, but nothing is particularly right either. I could be more forthcoming, but I'd prefer to leave it at that for the moment - I'm still sorting through that in my head (not even ready for blogging yet...)

Someone said to me recently that if life seems to be hard maybe that's the universe's way of telling you you're on the wrong path. That life is not meant to be hard. I'm not sure I 100% believe that, yet I can't seem to purge that comment from my mind.

I know they really like me at work - its been hard - but I'm well known, respected and liked - but I'm not sure how much that matters to me anymore. I've never been all about work - but that seems to be what's happened of late. I don't think that's the right thing for me.

But then what else? I have my little sister - but she won't need me forever. I have friends - and some of them are really good friends - but my best friends still live in Toronto. My lifelong friends - and you know what? I miss them.

And you know what else I miss? I miss my dog. And I never thought I'd admit this - but I also miss my mother. (Though I do talk to her all the time - so I manage that quite well).

Maybe its just because I'll be going home soon. Maybe I'm a little homesick. I'm sure after a few days at home I'll be missing here. But what if I don't?

Because I'm not sure that moving home is really an option anymore. It would mean starting all over again - and I'm not sure I have the resilience to do that on my own again. Beside - what would I do with my cat? I think putting her on a plane for 24 hours is a little mean.... never mind how long she'd spend in quarantine.

Man, she'd be pissed...

I'm just a little worried. Some things haven't turned out as I've hoped lately and I'm disappointed. I was wrong about it all. And I worry about me sometimes - I worry that too many disappointments might lead me back to where I was last year - and I never want to be there again.

You know its funny - when I left Canada I had coffee with a work colleague the day before my flight and he asked me if I would stay if I met a guy. I didn't even have to think twice about it - my answer was no. Now if I was asked the same question I wouldn't hesitate either - it'd be yes. Funny how time changes your views.

But the truth is, I'm not sure I want to leave - I just don't seem to have a strong reason for staying - and I do get the pull from back home. My friends ask me to come back, so does my mother - but I've never seriously considered it til now. I know my mother would move heaven and earth to make room in her world for me - but although my friends ask me home I don't think I really belong there anymore. It's just they've built lives without me in it - they have young families and it's not that they don't care - its just they don't have the time.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a funny mood tonight. These are just some of the thoughts that are swirling through my head.

I guess I'll wait and see how the trip home goes. Maybe that'll make things clearer...