When going home goes bad
You know, I'd like to write something positive about going home. I'd like to - just for once - write how great it is to be back, how wonderful it is to be home, but this trip is just not going to make the cut. Maybe that's just the life of an ex-pat. Or maybe I'm just beginning to understand the saying: you can never go home again.
Don't get me wrong - I really love Canada, I think it's a beautiful country. I really love my Mom, I really love my friends. But coming here either mentally unhinges me a week before I make the trip, or I get sad and depressed once I'm here - or both.
I have such trouble expressing myself to my friends. I really don't know why, I used to have no problem articulating what was going on. But this year it's been a struggle. Our lives are so vastly different, that I'm almost afraid the difference is so vast a gap that it can't be bridged. I'm in my mid-thirties and single without children whereas most of my friends are married with a bunch of kids. The thing is, I can get how their lives are because I can see it. I can see them running after the kids getting tired, having to be home to nurture and care for them. I can see how the focus of their lives have changed. The problem is I don't think they can get mine. How can they see single?
They've been in relationships for so long (in some cases since they were old enough to date) that they have no concept what it's like to be alone. They have no idea how it feels for people to constantly ask things like: "Why aren't you married?" "Is something wrong with you?" "Don't you want children?". Or make comments like: "You're just too picky." "It's alright if you're gay."
And the thing is, I do want to have a relationship, have a good marriage and possibly have children, but I won't do it at any price. I won't hook up with just anyone. I won't marry just so I have a ring to show off. And it may mean that I never have kids. But I can't make it happen through sheer wanting. And while it's not happening? I wish people would stop rubbing my face in it or insinuating there's something 'wrong' with me or that my sexual orientation has suddenly changed from what it's been for the last 20 years.
I feel alone and I feel isolated from my friends even when I'm with them. And sometimes it's their fault. Their smugness about their lives; how their lives are so much better than mine because of everything they have. And sometimes it's my fault. By withdrawing to protect against the anticipated snubs, I end up isolating myself.
Maybe the Christmas season brings it on more. But it's awful to be lonely when in a group of people. But it's even worse to be lonely when surrounded by a group of your friends.
I won't do this again. I won't come home alone again.
Don't get me wrong - I really love Canada, I think it's a beautiful country. I really love my Mom, I really love my friends. But coming here either mentally unhinges me a week before I make the trip, or I get sad and depressed once I'm here - or both.
I have such trouble expressing myself to my friends. I really don't know why, I used to have no problem articulating what was going on. But this year it's been a struggle. Our lives are so vastly different, that I'm almost afraid the difference is so vast a gap that it can't be bridged. I'm in my mid-thirties and single without children whereas most of my friends are married with a bunch of kids. The thing is, I can get how their lives are because I can see it. I can see them running after the kids getting tired, having to be home to nurture and care for them. I can see how the focus of their lives have changed. The problem is I don't think they can get mine. How can they see single?
They've been in relationships for so long (in some cases since they were old enough to date) that they have no concept what it's like to be alone. They have no idea how it feels for people to constantly ask things like: "Why aren't you married?" "Is something wrong with you?" "Don't you want children?". Or make comments like: "You're just too picky." "It's alright if you're gay."
And the thing is, I do want to have a relationship, have a good marriage and possibly have children, but I won't do it at any price. I won't hook up with just anyone. I won't marry just so I have a ring to show off. And it may mean that I never have kids. But I can't make it happen through sheer wanting. And while it's not happening? I wish people would stop rubbing my face in it or insinuating there's something 'wrong' with me or that my sexual orientation has suddenly changed from what it's been for the last 20 years.
I feel alone and I feel isolated from my friends even when I'm with them. And sometimes it's their fault. Their smugness about their lives; how their lives are so much better than mine because of everything they have. And sometimes it's my fault. By withdrawing to protect against the anticipated snubs, I end up isolating myself.
Maybe the Christmas season brings it on more. But it's awful to be lonely when in a group of people. But it's even worse to be lonely when surrounded by a group of your friends.
I won't do this again. I won't come home alone again.
posted by lala at
3:17 PM
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