Canadian Down Under

Monday, February 20, 2006

Friends - the F word that's not four letters

So, I was advised not to blog about this, but now that it's all over and done with - what the fuck.

A while ago I blogged about this guy I used to work with. Wondering if the coffees/dinners were the meeting of friends (which I was okay with) or dates (which scared the shit out of me). I had finally decided that yes, we were definitely only friends and then he kissed me goodbye one week, and the next week we slept together - which to most people would indicate more than friendship but it just left me confused.

It didn't help that I've had a visitor staying with me - I mean my time has been taken up doing trips and sightseeing (all good!) but left little time for normal life. I didn't hear from him much which meant to me one of two things: 1. he realised I was pretty busy or 2. he really wasn't that interested.

Not one for suffering uncertainly gladly, I finally asked him straight out in an email. Apparently to him we're only friends.

Nope. Not going to do that.

I'm done compromising my emotions or feelings in the interest of harmony and not upsetting people. I've been doing that the last few years (perhaps surprising to many who know me) but I have been holding back - worried more about offending people and having people like me than standing up for myself and my values.

Not today. I just can't say its fine 'let's be friends' just to not create waves when I feel so shitty about what's happened.

I do realise he's not 100% to blame - I must admit to being pretty angry with myself for not listening to my gut saying it was all happening so quickly when I didn't know what was going on - but that doesn't mean I should just pretend it doesn't matter.

It does.

Friends. The seven letter F word.

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