Speaking of heartbreak....

I had dinner with Mr. Heartbreak himself tonight. You know what it made me realise? He's actually a bigger part of the reasons I'm leaving than I originally thought.

Now this could be incredibly embarrassing - seeing as I have an inkling that he has stumbled across my blog before and might actually read it - but hey - what the fuck - this couldn't possibly be as embarrassing as what happened earlier this evening....

What I confessed:
- that he was part of the reason I was leaving
- that I had loved him

It wasn't pretty - especially considering I'm usually extraordinarily articulate - but tonight I stumbled, stuttered and generally just sounded stupid.

It was months ago that I last really spoke to him and it hadn't been particular pleasant for me - but the last little while I got over it - was even happy again. But he found me again and asked me to dinner. I thought I'd be okay with it - and you know - dinner was great. It was so nice to see him again - and that one meal had wiped away all the hurt and angst. I'd even stayed strong enough to say so but say that was enough for me.

But I weakened the next day when he text me and only a day later I completely caved.

The rest is all my fault.

I thought I could accept that he didn't want anything. After all - there's only a month left. I thought maybe we could continue with the nice times. That we could just enjoy each other's company. If he couldn't love me - I had hoped that maybe he could care about me - well, I do believe he cares - but that maybe he could show it.

I try to talk to him - but its just so hard. I know its not something that comes naturally to him - but maybe its more than that - maybe its just that I'm not that person to him - not the person who he can talk to.

I can't even begin to describe how awful I feel.