Canadian Down Under

Monday, March 30, 2009

Sad but true

I've been watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls. Ones I've seen before - and you know what? Despite knowing what's going to happen - they still have the power to make me cry.

Who knew I was such a sap?

Who knew?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

What's your star sign?

Seriously - that line was used on me today.

I was also asked if I was a Yankee.


Note to self - if you ever feel unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated - simply go shopping for a car and be hit on all afternoon long.

Just don't ask me what they looked like.

What I forgot

The original thing I was meaning to write about yesterday. See when I to see the massage person - I said I didn't really have any aches and pains. Afterwards she said to me I needed a little work because my back was so tense. I told her it didn't really hurt and she told me the following: "your back is so tense and tight its gone numb - the only time you feel pain is when its about to break"

All I could think was 'welcome to my life'.

Funny in my head in an ironic kind of way.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

And so...

I'm having a bit of low-key weekend because life's been hectic of late and is about to hectic again for the next month.

So what do you do when you do low-key? Well, one thinks of the beach, lounging - basically not a lot. Well, to be honest I haven't managed even that yet today.

I woke early today with the usual awful feeling hanging over me. The one I've had ever since I started on the thyroid medication. When needing to go to work, I fight through it, get up, take the medication and within 10-15 minutes start to feel normal again. But on weekends, I like to sleep in - so I put off taking the medication and try to sleep instead.

Bad idea really, because I never get back to a restful state - and today I just spent hours feeling unwell. Finally something twitched in my brain so I took the medication and managed to have an hour of restful sleep before I headed off to my massage - something I haven't done in ages.

It was good - someone new. She did reikhi as well and at the end she told me what she 'sensed'. Apparently she can tell I suffer from anxiety and that I hold back from saying things I want or need to say. You know, both are true - and I've been working on both - but I only want to talk about the last one: keeping quiet.

I don't know what's happened, but its true. I filter myself. I filter myself at work, I filter myself with some friends and I definitely filter myself on this blog. And its all out of fear. Fear if I say something at work they won't like me anymore and they'll know (like I do) that I don't belong there. I fear saying what I think to friends sometimes (more on that later) and I worry about putting everything that's been happening lately on this blog. Most specifically because I think that there is a person who reads this - at least occasionally - whom I don't want to share those thoughts with. I'd share them in person - but via this blog seems wrong.

You know, I can live with trying to keep quiet at work and I can live with not spilling everything on this blog - but I would like to be able to tell my friends what I need to. And at the risk of being found out through this blog - there is one person in particular that I am concerned about. One person whom I tried to talk to a few weeks ago - but I didn't get out what I needed to.

And it was the most important thing.

It was an explanation and an apology. It was about providing enough information for an understanding and then a letting go of sorts. I don't want to be places I'm not welcome, but I just want to make sure people have all the facts before they decide if I"m unwelcome or not.

So I need to think a little more. Think more about what to do. Talk about it. Write about it. Or maybe just let it all go.


So - that' s little rambling for today. Something I haven't done in a while. I have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone who's reading - but it makes sense to me.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What happens when your thyroid goes on hiatus....

Just a short list:
  • you sleep too much, yet you feel exhausted
  • your hair dries out and develops a straw quality
  • your memory starts to give out and you notice that you now need a phone book and can no longer keep all numbers in your head
  • you get clumsy and break some toes
  • you can't lose weight - even though you should and even though you've been exercising and watching what you eat
  • the world seems like too harsh a place and every day feels like a hike up Mount Everest
  • tears suddenly and unexpectedly appear in your eyes at the most inopportune times

And you know what? Two little white pills taken each morning at least half an hour before you eat makes all that go away (well, maybe not the weight yet, but I'm working on that...) literally overnight. And they're not even drugs - they're just the hormones your body is no longer making.

It's just such a shame that it took over a year to find out what was wrong...