Canadian Down Under

Saturday, June 28, 2008


Just saw this on tv - do you know what the acronym FINE stands for?

neurotic and

So, in answer to many of my friends queries: yes, I am fine.

Call Me Crazy

I decided to take action after reading an article in today's paper.

Although I haven't actually signed up - I have sent a query to a dating agency.

Why? Well.... I'd like to date someone - and for clarity on that I mean a non-platonic relationship with a man.

See the thing is, I'm actually quite social but what with working 12-14 hour days I haven't really had time to meet new people. And then - add to that that a lot of my free time recently has been spent banging my head against a brick wall - also known as spending time with someone who doesn't think I'm worth it.

So - I think I am going to find someone who does think I'm worth it.

But I must confess - I'm not really all that cool with the dating agency thing. It kind of goes against the grain.

Anybody have a different opinion? Think I'm doing the right thing? See - I still have time to back out....

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Yes I am talking about myself.

I wanted to believe I wasn't being used. I even asked and was assured that wasn't the case but all evidence points otherwise. I mean, what friend do you know only arranges to catch up when they have nothing better to do? They may have been included in outings with my friends but its never reciprocal.

A specific event happened today - and in isolation its really not a big deal - but it just cements what has been happening.

You know, when the whole world keeps telling you something you don't want to hear or don't quite believe - sometimes you just have to shut up and listen.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Lately I've been thinking a lot about home. More specifically - about going home. I've been wondering if its time.

I try to remember why I came - and I just can't seem to come up with a good answer. I know I used to say to people it was because I knew it was the right thing to do for me. My gut was unflinching in its surety about moving to Australia. I trusted it. I haven't always listened to my gut (hence my many mistakes) - so I wasn't always right but my gut was.

But lately I've been thinking that maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it wasn't suppose to be forever. It's just that things don't seem to be working so well. It's not like there's anything particularly wrong, but nothing is particularly right either. I could be more forthcoming, but I'd prefer to leave it at that for the moment - I'm still sorting through that in my head (not even ready for blogging yet...)

Someone said to me recently that if life seems to be hard maybe that's the universe's way of telling you you're on the wrong path. That life is not meant to be hard. I'm not sure I 100% believe that, yet I can't seem to purge that comment from my mind.

I know they really like me at work - its been hard - but I'm well known, respected and liked - but I'm not sure how much that matters to me anymore. I've never been all about work - but that seems to be what's happened of late. I don't think that's the right thing for me.

But then what else? I have my little sister - but she won't need me forever. I have friends - and some of them are really good friends - but my best friends still live in Toronto. My lifelong friends - and you know what? I miss them.

And you know what else I miss? I miss my dog. And I never thought I'd admit this - but I also miss my mother. (Though I do talk to her all the time - so I manage that quite well).

Maybe its just because I'll be going home soon. Maybe I'm a little homesick. I'm sure after a few days at home I'll be missing here. But what if I don't?

Because I'm not sure that moving home is really an option anymore. It would mean starting all over again - and I'm not sure I have the resilience to do that on my own again. Beside - what would I do with my cat? I think putting her on a plane for 24 hours is a little mean.... never mind how long she'd spend in quarantine.

Man, she'd be pissed...

I'm just a little worried. Some things haven't turned out as I've hoped lately and I'm disappointed. I was wrong about it all. And I worry about me sometimes - I worry that too many disappointments might lead me back to where I was last year - and I never want to be there again.

You know its funny - when I left Canada I had coffee with a work colleague the day before my flight and he asked me if I would stay if I met a guy. I didn't even have to think twice about it - my answer was no. Now if I was asked the same question I wouldn't hesitate either - it'd be yes. Funny how time changes your views.

But the truth is, I'm not sure I want to leave - I just don't seem to have a strong reason for staying - and I do get the pull from back home. My friends ask me to come back, so does my mother - but I've never seriously considered it til now. I know my mother would move heaven and earth to make room in her world for me - but although my friends ask me home I don't think I really belong there anymore. It's just they've built lives without me in it - they have young families and it's not that they don't care - its just they don't have the time.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a funny mood tonight. These are just some of the thoughts that are swirling through my head.

I guess I'll wait and see how the trip home goes. Maybe that'll make things clearer...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Quitting Time

It was on this day many years ago that I quit smoking. Not a puff, not a nothing since then. And I've even become one of those annoying ex-smokers that now hates walking past smokers on the street because I find their exhales of smoke extremely annoying and invasive of my general well-being and health.

I used to be so tolerant.

It's a non-descript day. But a day that worked well for quitting, so I'm hoping to continue the quitting trend.

What do I mean?

I've just been out for dinner. It was lovely. Really. Enjoyable. Good food, good conversation, yummy wine. I would even venture as far to say as flirtatious company. So what happened? Nothing.

Why I expected any different after all this time I'll never know. I never really thought I was that stupid, but all evidence seems to be pointing to the contrary.

I'd tell my friends about it, but they are so bored of this story. And so tired of me not getting it - accepting that its a no-go. And they're no longer tolerant of my masochistic behaviour.

Can't say I blame them.

It's time to quit. Same day, a new bad habit.

You know - this week I met someone new. Not that anything's going on. But I met somebody who caught my eye. Now -normally that wouldn't mean much, except I'm the type of person who doesn't get side-tracked often. It's rare for me to be interested - not that I'm not open to being interested - its just rare that I find members of the opposite sex interesting.

And you know what? I think he finds me interesting as well. Today a couple of things happened that gave me that clue. They're small but they're still there. A touch on the back, a slight hold on my arm and a nonchalant query as to my plans for the evening.

It could be nothing. But then again, it could be something. Something I'd willing forgo if someone else was interested, but he's not. He's as much as told me so. He may send mixed signals through body language - but his verbal message is consistently no - and I need to listen to the verbal message - because body language has proven to be misleading. And maybe its only misleading because I was hoping for something different.

You know - I'm just going to have to say it - but I think if I was thinner he might actually be interested. Now weight is a dangerous topic with me - a battle throughout my whole life - and generally I'm okay. The last year and a half has been hard - what with a broken arm and a dodgy back - but given my inability to do anything for ages - I'm holding up pretty well. A little heavier than I like - but only a little. But somehow I feel like for him its a deal breaker and perhaps why he doesn't like me.

I may be wrong - but this line of reasoning is bad for me. I am so much more than numbers on a scale, but his disinterest is destroying my sense of self-worth. Why did I ever give someone so much sway over me???

Quitting time.

It's kind of like quitting smoking. It took many attempts before it finally stuck. Wonder if this non-descript day's previous success will hold for breaking my most recent bad habit.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I've done it again. I've gone and promised too much!

I finally finish my exam and I have some free time and I've filled it all up.

It's busy, but its good.

I'm doing some work for a local charity and I'm late delivering the financials (oops).
I have dinner plans tomorrow night that I've been looking forward to all week.
Saturday I have my little recital (which is its own little bucket of stress...)
And I having planning for my trip home - which is a bigger deal than usual because my little sister is coming with me!!

And I have work - which is full on as usual.

Time is flying.

What a difference to when I first got a job here in Australia. Back then, most of my travelling friends had moved on and I had yet to really settle in here and make new friends so I had SOOO much time on my hands that I nearly drove myself mental!!

The downside of being overcommitted? No time for blogging...

Something's gotta give!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

A little bit nervous....

my alternative title was 'and the past came gently calling' cause as we know I love all things Eagles... but it wasn't all so gentle...

So this was the week of running into people from my past.

First off, I unexpectedly ran into my old boss. Weird. Wasn't expecting to see her. But its all fine. Lay that demon to rest ages ago.

But that's not what bugging me so much - see I got an email from a guy I used to work with. Haven't seen or heard from him in years. We worked in the same area - but weren't friends - in fact weren't even really acquaintances.

It made me nervous, so I ignored it.

Then he called me.

Really awkward and strange in that I really don't know him and he's kind of called out of the blue. I'm sure its harmless and all - he's a nice enough guy - but he's married with kids and I just think that he shouldn't be calling me.

Is that wrong?

Monday, June 09, 2008


don't ask how, but I've managed to confirm that he is not gay.

Which means the only alternative left is he's not interested.


Hopefully one day I will have enough self-respect and inner strength to stop torturing myself.
Please let it be soon...

Study Free

Finally - after weeks and weeks of self-induced stress my exam was yesterday and I am now study free!!! Yeah me!!

So - while I was studying (and grumbling about studying) all I could think about was all the great things I could do with my time instead of reading the boring crap I was reading. Things like walks I could go on, people I could meet up with, books I hadn't read - and I was even thinking I'd have more energy and time to do stuff at work!! (I really don't like studying....)

So Day 1 - know what I'm doing??


It's 11:04 am and I'm still in my pajamas. Unshowered. Haven't even fed myself breakfast yet- though I have managed to make a cup of tea. Just watching tv.

Oh - and I've managed to call in and try to order something from one of those direct shopping ads that are on tv....

I am a woman of great ideas and no follow through...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Poison Friends

You know what I'm talking about. We've all had them. Those friendships that hurt more than they help. Those people that look like friends, but with the passage of time you realise that perhaps they aren't.

How do you know?

Well, these 'friendships can either make you feel bad with subtle putdowns, doubt yourself, leave you hanging, show a fickleness that makes them undependable or a number of other things... A slow seeping type of poison.

Well, we've all had them, but we don't all respond in the same way. I have a friend that had a poison friend so she 'broke up with her' in a very civilized way. I've known others to just ignore people until they go away.

I've never been very good at getting rid of poison friends. I always try to see something good in someone and I think that any friendship can be a good thing - but in recent years I'm beginning to see that's just a little too idealistic.

So I'm coming round - but I've discovered something about myself - I'm not good at saying goodbye. With the exception of the 7 year relationship I was in - post high school, I've never broken up with a guy (mind you, I've only had two serious relationships since..) I just kind of hang in there, trying to fix things. Why? I don't know - its this fixing compulsion I have...

But eventually even I get to a point. The point where I KNOW it has to stop. That the expense to myself is no where near the potential upside that's left. But seeing as I'm not good at goodbye, I'm not really very well equipped for those situations.

So what do I do?
I revert to the behaviours I learnt as a child: I pick a fight.

No one wins.
Well, maybe I do - because now I have a reason for never speaking to someone again and I'm not the bad guy.

Them hanging up on me is like winning the lottery...

Oh yeah - I got hung up on Sunday night.
Nuff said.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Too early?

Is 7:45 too early to go to bed?

Hope not, cause that's what I'm doing..... Guess that last birthday really took it out of me...

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Do you just ask?

How can you tell if someone is gay?

Normally, I don't give a rats one way or the other, but this is more personal. There's someone I like and I'm kind of getting mixed messages and I'm beginning to wonder if its not that he isn't interested in me, it's just he's not interested in girls.

Is it rude to just ask?

How do you ask? Do you just ask if he likes girls?
What if he says no?
What if he says yes?