Canadian Down Under

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sometimes I just like to pretend

I would never actually do anything.

I confess, I'm a hot head. It's just me. There's nothing I can do to change it, but to a certain degree I can control it. I no longer break things when I'm angry (as a kid I once broke a phone - and oh, I also broke the fridge - in a fit of anger. That's what happens when you're the youngest sister of three older, larger brothers. You can't break them, but sometimes you need to break something...) And I do a pretty good job of limiting my swear words - or at least stop them being directed at other human beings.

That being said, I can't actually stop the actual anger and temper tantrum feelings. Someone once said to me that when I'm angry, I don't just feel the emotion, I am the emotion

No kidding.

So what can I do? The emotion needs to go somewhere. I certainly can't keep all that inside! Well, what happens is I tend to imagine situations in which I can even the score, and then verbalise said scenarios. For example, the fuckwit who just wants to be friends. He's part of a group of ex-colleagues who are in the midst of planning a dinner together. Now, I'm hoping it all doesn't pan out (i.e. he chickens out of going if he hears I'm going, but seeing as he's demonstrated he has the brain capacity of a gnat, there's a chance he might actually show) and I imagine not speaking to him if he speaks to me (which will make it obvious that something is wrong) and simply pretend he does not exist. A couple girlfriends and I were laughing about how I could spill a drink on his lap and apologise with a saccharine tone and then ask 'can we still be friends?' And it kind of went from there.

I have to say it was very funny.

I've told a few friends and also explained how angry I've been this last week. And you know - sometimes I over-exaggerate a tad (its the story teller in me....) and I was surprised to find out some of my friends actually think I would follow through on my anger and actually do something crazy.

Can I just state for the record I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING. I WILL NOT ACT ON MY ANGER. Listen, I was brought up different than that. Besides, I'm too scared of my mother and my dead father to do anything that might bring the wrath of either one of them - or, heaven forbid - both of them down on me....

It's just sometimes, it's fun to pretend that I could misbehave that badly.

Try it. You might like it.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I've graduated!

to two drinks before needing to go to bed.

Not sure whether I should be congratulated or scolded.....


That's how one friend describes what I'm like when I'm with a guy: simpering.

How pathetic is that?

From a strong, independent, intelligent, funny, capable self-assured woman to a simpering idiot. ( I added the idiot part.) But although it sounds harsh, I have to say, she's right. And I'm ashamed and embarrassed of myself.

I could go into the long history of my failed relationships - but I think that would be too gruesome. For me, if not you...

I don't know what to do anymore but I do know I'm tired of it all. When I came back from Canada in early January, any remnant of any kind of romantic relationship with anyone had been firmly exterminated and you know what? I was happy about it. I felt good. I felt myself again. It took me almost a year to get there and in a few short weeks I became 'simpering'.

No wonder I'm single. Who wants to date a 'simpering' anything?

Okay, I may be having a slight pity party at the moment, but so far this week I've been called 'simpering', 'bitchy', 'hard', 'tough' and 'abusive' and I'm about all done. I know I can sometimes come across as 'tough' but I see myself more as a survivor. I can survive just about anything - some people see that as tough - but that doesn't mean I don't feel every bump along the way. Trust me. I do.

What to do?

I was trying to drink my miseries away the last couple of evenings but I've discovered I'm a lightweight. When I'm out with friends I can pretty much drink all night, but alone? One glass of wine and I'm in bed.

I'm going to have to come up with an alternative...

Friday, February 24, 2006

My newest screen saver

Who knew I could be such a good photographer?

Now you know why the Blue Mountains are my favourite place to hike.....


Monday, February 20, 2006

Friends - the F word that's not four letters

So, I was advised not to blog about this, but now that it's all over and done with - what the fuck.

A while ago I blogged about this guy I used to work with. Wondering if the coffees/dinners were the meeting of friends (which I was okay with) or dates (which scared the shit out of me). I had finally decided that yes, we were definitely only friends and then he kissed me goodbye one week, and the next week we slept together - which to most people would indicate more than friendship but it just left me confused.

It didn't help that I've had a visitor staying with me - I mean my time has been taken up doing trips and sightseeing (all good!) but left little time for normal life. I didn't hear from him much which meant to me one of two things: 1. he realised I was pretty busy or 2. he really wasn't that interested.

Not one for suffering uncertainly gladly, I finally asked him straight out in an email. Apparently to him we're only friends.

Nope. Not going to do that.

I'm done compromising my emotions or feelings in the interest of harmony and not upsetting people. I've been doing that the last few years (perhaps surprising to many who know me) but I have been holding back - worried more about offending people and having people like me than standing up for myself and my values.

Not today. I just can't say its fine 'let's be friends' just to not create waves when I feel so shitty about what's happened.

I do realise he's not 100% to blame - I must admit to being pretty angry with myself for not listening to my gut saying it was all happening so quickly when I didn't know what was going on - but that doesn't mean I should just pretend it doesn't matter.

It does.

Friends. The seven letter F word.

Since You've Been Gone

So yesterday I nearly drove my guest crazy by spontaneously singing different lines from this song. Damn you Kelly Clarkson! Damn you!

It was driving my guest crazy (which was kind of amusing because shit like that amuses me....) but it got to the point that it was making me mental. To the point that I started yelling at myself to stop (when the voices in my head are start to get air time, we're all in trouble...).

So, I promised my guest and myself that I'd make it stop. We certainly didn't need a repeat of what happened the day before with 'Afternoon Delight' being heard almost all day. (you're singing it now aren't you? 'gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight'. Yup, I can hear you...)

I went off to the beach by myself, resolved to make it stop. Spread out my sarong, got settled, pulled out my book and started to become absorbed in that when to my right, just a few towels over, I heard this man singing to himself under his breath 'since you've been gone, i can breathe for the first time'.

Waving the white flag.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Finally! Melanie these are for you

It's taken me forever, but with the aid of a new digital camera and a friend visiting who has actually seen sunny days (mostly because she been around on weekends, which are the only days that have any sunshine this summer!!!)

Here's a view of the Bower:

And Shelly Beach:

Hope they were what you were looking for. Let me know if you'd like something else and I'd be happy to post something else. The only delay will be agreeable weather....

Oh - and thanks for reminding me how beautiful it is to live here!

Friday, February 10, 2006


We're going to find us some devils!

Searching the map of Tassie for some devils.... (now if you're an Aussie - you're probably laughing)

I must say - I LOVE having my friend here, it's fab having the company and even better getting to do so stuff I don't usually have time for - like kayaking on a sunny weekday afternoon. (I seriously have the best boss - she's let me take a couple of days off and hasn't blinked an eye at me leaving early - actually she's encouraged it. Nice huh?)

However, having a visitor has meant I have had little time for blogging. And the next 5 days in Tassie aren't going to make that any easier - but I should definitely have some good stories out of it by the time I do get back.

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Orange Jasmine

I love when friends visit - I get the best gifts!!!

I've probably never mentioned this before, but I'm not a coffee drinker. At all. Never even tasted the stuff. But what I lack in attraction to coffee, I more than make up in my addiction to tea.

My good friends know this. (It's what makes me so simple to buy gifts for!)

While in Vancouver over the Christmas holidays, my friend and I had gone for a walk near Granville and we stopped in a little coffee shop nearby and they had the greatest assortment of teas. (I know, I know, pretty lame...) And I had their 'Orange Jasmine' - and I gotta say - absolutely divine. And in my special way, I went on and on about ad nauseum that my friend brought me some when she came out.

You know - it's even better than I remembered. So I looked at the box and they listed a website: and ordered me some.

Thank god this is a non-budget month! It's hideously expensive, but so worth it!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I am sooooooo bored at work. So bored that I googled the word 'bored' and found a website that kept me amused for the last 30 minutes... it's I played their riddle games until they started repeating.

Now I'm looking for some other way to amuse myself.

It's not that I don't have work to do. It's just there's nothing flashy and exciting to do. I've been here six months and I've got my area running the way I want - mostly - and it's all really fine tuning now. And the guy who works for me is so capable that I give a little guidance and he can do the rest. It's great, but as a consequence I'm bored.

It's also partly because in just a few days I have a friend from back home (Vancouver actually) coming out to visit and I'm getting excited and impatient. It'll just be so nice to have a familiar face from home here. (The feeling is an intangible thing, but it's means the world to me. it's makes my home here real. Ugh, I'm doing a crap job of explaining....)

I'm not very good at waiting and so I'm guess I'm feeling slightly mischievous/deviant and therefore don't feel like conforming at work at the moment.

Watch. The dam will break just as my friend arrives!

Let's hope karma is kinder to me than that.