Weight

This is the worst subject in the world for me. Weight is one of those things (and I mean my weight) that I'm never happy with or happy about, but I have occasional been at peace with my weight. It's at those times that I don't even consider myself thin or fat - I just don't consider myself in weight terms at all.

Over the years - despite constant jabs from my brothers that I'm fat and little niggling nags from my mother about my weight - I have learnt to accept myself as I am, but to try to keep myself fit. See, I'm not tall (5'4" to be exact) but I'm not light. Not at all. A couple of my brothers are built like (to quote my father) 'brick shit houses' and I seem to have inherited not only the broad shoulders that they have, but also the frame. Seems being tiny boned like my mother was never my destiny....

I'm so not light, that even when I was starving to death in Indonesia (okay, slight exaggeration, but not by much - my ribs were sticking out) my BMI was too high for my height. A doctor once told me that I would never be within my range because of my frame (kind of like body builders...) but that as long as I was fit, that's what was important.

Her comment actually made me feel better - and in general now, I'm okay with how I am. Just so long as I don't think about it too much. Or read about it - which I inadvertently did over at the Funky Brown Chick.

Now don't get me wrong - I totally enjoy reading FBC's blog - I find her not only interesting to read, but sometimes thoughtful, sometimes funny and always entertaining. It's just that this post depressed me. Not only because FBC is practically the same height (maybe taller) yet still lighter than me, but I think it was more that it was so obvious how much she beats herself up about her weight - and at least a small part of her equates staying slim with self-worth. And if that's not depressing enough, her post not only struck a chord with me -but judging by the numerous comments her post inspired - it struck a chord with almost every female reading it.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

And yes I mean 'we'. See, I've spent the last few days dragging my sorry ass to swimming, pilates and today I forced myself to go for a bike ride, despite being seriously fatigued all because of that post. I forced myself to go. I'm not sorry - because it was always my intent to get back into training, but I've almost done so at the expense of my health. A few days ago I was merely tired, but now I am well and truly exhausted.

Seems FBC struck home when she talked about Jennifer Hudson. I often worry that's what people think of me: not quite chubby, but definitely not thin enough to be sexy.

Here's hoping peace returns soon...

Bye Bye Coke

Coke.
The nectar of the Gods.
The big red can.
The real thing.

Yup, I'm talking Coca-Cola. Also known as my life blood.

Of late - I've noticed that perhaps I'm drinking it too often.

Far too often.

So I decided tonight, it's time to take a breather. I've tried to cut down - but that doesn't work with addiction - you just need to eliminate the evil.

Bye bye Coke. I'm going to miss you!!

The Mothership

Is on her way back to the Motherland.






I'm exhausted....

Making a Difference?

Ever wonder if you're making a difference? Ever wonder if what you do, or what you are doing, is having an impact? a positive one?

Well, I do my best to not think about it much, because it can really give you a mind fuck...but sometimes what you do, hits you smack in the face and you can't help but notice the repercussions of your actions.

Tonight was one of those nights - and I gotta tell you - its given me a inner peacefulness that I'm just sitting here revelling in. So, yes, I believe tonight I made a difference.

Many people have asked me about my involvement in Big Sisters: like why do I do it, do I get anything back from it, but mostly people ask if I make a difference. My answer has always been 'I don't know, but I hope so.' I've always thought that with kids/teenagers, you'll never really know what kind of impact you make until years later - if you ever do. I never volunteered with the thought that I could change the world - or even change one child - but more with the rationale that I had the time, that I ought to give back to my community somehow and that it might be something I could be good at. Then perhaps, if I was lucky, I could make a difference.

The thing I like best about Big Sisters is they embrace the philosophy that just being there is enough. It's not an intrusive program, its about inclusion. Including someone into your life as your friend and hoping the friendship provides that something extra that that child or teen needs, or is looking for. That just by being you, you can provide a positive role model and/or a different way of looking at life.

To date - I believe that is what's been going on with my Little Sister and me - until tonight. Tonight I think I actually made a notable difference. It's a long story - and out of respect for my little sister - I won't go into detail, but let's just say that having an outside influence in the family tonight helped to calm down a particularly unhappy situation. Don't get me wrong - it was nothing disastrous - but a different perspective and a different opinion provided options - options not previously thought of. I normally would not dream of intering, but I was asked to - and with just a very short conversation, we were able to turn everything around.

The funny thing? As I was having my little chat, I was amazed at how much I sounded like my mother. Okay - I confess - I think I was channelling her.... You know - I've always known this - but my mom really had it together. She used some great stuff on us growing up.

So I'm off to bed now, secure and happy in the knowledge that tonight I made a difference.

BLOCKED!!!

So, I come to work today, expecting to follow my normal morning routine:

1. Get cup of tea
2. Log in
3. Check work email
4. Check voicmail
5. Check gmail
6. Scan 'talk entertainment' website
7. Begin my day

But you know what happened?? I got stuffed at #5!!!

Yup, BLOCKED.

Now it's my company's policy that hotmail, yahoo and any other internet email sites are blocked (they say to prevent viruses - but we really know it's to increase productivity.... or maybe just stop the decline!) but I always managed to skirt around their safeguards and still access my gmail account.

Until today.

That so totally sucks!!!!!

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

A while ago, I wrote about my private addiction (in fact it was over 2 years ago. TWO YEARS people!!!).

Well, it seems that I come by it honestly. A little tidbit from a conversation with the mothership about the boys/men that are hanging around at the moment:

"Maybe we could go get our cards read. Then we'll know which one is right for you."

Yup. With this gene pool, I never stood a chance at sanity....

It's just not on

I went to dinner tonight with a 'friend'.

I've decided I don't think he's a very good friend. Maybe it's just that he's a bloke. Maybe it's because I don't really want to be friends, but here are my thoughts:

• I can't recall if he ever asked me a single question about me.
• At times I thought perhaps he was bored and restless and just wanted it to be over.
• He kissed me when he said goodbye. On the lips. Don't guys know chicks think that's different than the cheek brush?
• I like him, but I don't think I can do this again. On some level its humiliating.

I always kind of thought there were possibilities. Obviously I'm thick.

It's just not on.

The Mother of All Visits - Day One

She has arrived!!!!!

It was a 5 am start for me - to pick the old doll up at the airport by 6:30. Never fear - I arrived with a few minutes to spare, so we started out well.....

But by lunch she had renamed my cat and commented on how my hair was too dark.

Yup, by lunch...

By mid-afternoon I needed a nap - even though it should have been the old doll who needed a nap, but no, it was me....Followed by a nice dinner in Balmain, where I managed to throw out my back.

Off to a rip-roaring start!!!!

Editor's Note: I love a little creative license and I was telling my Mom how I'd use the renaming of the cat and disapproval of the hair colour as the basis for a really good story.

She's horrified.

So basically, a win-win for me!!!!