The darkness before dawn

I've been quiet lately. There's lots going on but I've been unable to write about it. This blog was always my safe place to sort out the things in my life, the place to vent when there was no one else to listen, but a few things have made that change. I have worried about the people who read this. I have worried that if I write what I really think, it will be used against me. I have also worried that perhaps I'm becoming a 'glass is half empty' girl, a constant complainer. But lately, even that's changed. I've just been unable to write it down; to get it out.
So, although I can't comment on exactly what's happening - I'm going to try to express how I feel so perhaps the therpaeutic benefits of this blog can still be realised.

I seem to be experiencing a time of great change again - or I feel its about to happen. This lead up to change is always hard on me. I should be used to it by now as I seem to bring on change fairly regularly throughout my life, but still, I'm finding it hard.

I was talking to someone today in general abstract and a sentence popped in my head: It's always darkest before dawn. This sums up how I feel at the moment. Which isn't necessarily bad, but what I've been doing is wallowing in it. It's time for that to stop.

I need to get some perspective. Perhaps in some instance,s - some distance. So I've decided on a strategy of sorts. I've decided to post the following two notes on my computer:

1. What are you grateful for?
2. It's always darkest before dawn.

The objective is to remind me to think of the good things in my life and stop focusing on the negative. I'm hoping that that will help 90% of the time, but I do realise I won't always be able to be positive - so point 2 is to console me when I can't help but wallow - and remind me that things will get better again. I just need to have patience and faith.

I'm not sure why things seem so bad at the moment. I'm beginning to worry that I've inherited some of my father's depressive tendencies - but I'm not willing to concede to that easy out quite yet. I think perhaps I forget that life is just hard sometimes - and that it's natural to have downswings. I think it may be too simplistic to say its because I live halfway across the world from my family and friends, but I think it's not far off from the truth.

So that's where I'm at and what's going on. A little obtuse - but you get the general picture.

Daylight Savings

Today is daylight savings. Started this morning in fact. Know how I found out? I was standing outside a dark, locked office - having rushed to get to my appointment on time - wondering what was going on. It took a few minutes - and a brief chat with a passerby for me to realise what had happened.

The clocks had gone back.

Ah...yet another example of my living in the future!!!

The good news is - if you're a friend of my from back home it's now waaayyyy easier to call me.

How's that for a hint?

Conversations overheard in a Lobby

So, I'm standing in the lobby of the Pacific Manly Hotel

- I just re-read that statement - and oh HOW I wish it was for the reason that comes to my sex-deprived brain....

but I was there waiting to get a pass to the 7th floor gym - which is where my trainer is.

Anyway, I'm standing at the counter and standing at the counter. Waiting, waiting, waiting. (I don't know if you're getting this - but patience is definitely NOT my strong suit.)

There's a group of guys - probably on a convention - waiting to get their keys. The process is slow. SLOW. And their constant meet and greets, 'hello how you doing's to passer-bys (fellow convertioneers undoubtedly) wasn't doing anything to help speed up the process.

Between them and me is this guy; tweed jacket, skinny, early 50s, gray hair - and his lack of patience is making me look like a saint. Big sighs. Tapping fingers. Dramatic big sighs. It was actually getting a little funny...

Finally, the girl behind the counter finished with the group of guys, finished her typing, finished answering the phone and finally turns to the guy and asks if he needs help.

Like she needed to ask....

So he's there because his phone isn't working. Apparently he'd been down 3 hours earlier and not only had they not fixed it yet - there was no note on his file that anyone was being sent up to look at it. He was heading out to dinner, but he 'wanted it fixed by the time he got back'.

As he was heading toward the front door, he says "So when it's all fixed, you'll let me know?"

The girl answers 'Yes.'

He says, "How? Will you call me?"

She says, 'Yes, we'll call."

To which he shouts across the lobby, "How? MY PHONE DOESN'T WORK!!"

I laughed out loud. How much have I always wanted to do something like that.....

Stupid GIrls

You know them. I'm sure you've met them before. You know the girls who think that a man has changed. Some are even ridiculous enough to believe that a man has changed for them. At times I have felt pity for these girls - these very deluded girls - but mostly I have felt ...is superior too harsh a word? No, I know what it is: I have felt scorn.

Simple, simple minded creatures. Some call themselves romantics - but I just call them stupid.

And sadly, I've just realised, I've become one of them.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I have only myself to blame. It's not like some of my friends weren't telling me. I just refused to listen.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry - had to get that out.

And before you ask - yes, it has to do with him.

'Nuff said.

Who am I kidding?

Today I called in sick. I woke this morning with a headache, so I took drugs, text my boss and went back to bed.

That's all true. But at the same time, I'm kidding myself.

Migraines cause more than just headaches - they also cause migraine hangovers. Have I ever told you about that before? No?

Well, migraine hangovers are what happen after the migraine. There's a general woozy feeling - which seems a normal reaction - but migraine hangovers also cause me a sense of anxiety. Anxiety with small twinges of paranoia. I'm thinking it might be the after effects of the drugs, but it could just be migraine related.

So - in effect - recovering from a migraine is a far more extensive a process than just getting over the pain.

What am I going on about?

Well, when I text my boss this morning I said I was aiming to be in that afternoon.

That afternoon??

Who am I kidding? I doubt my boss and/or friends ever believe me anymore when I say I'm trying to come back to life that day - but somehow I still feel the need to say it.

I think when I have a headache, I just can't bear the thought that my entire day is ruined, so I have to promise myself that I'll try to return to the life of the living that day.

So who am I kidding? Myself. Or at least I'm trying....