Happy new year!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year.

I have no resolutions for this year - never been that big a fan of the whole resolution thingy. Oh wait - I do have one - my only resolution is to hire a cleaning lady. I hate cleaning and I've been procrastinating in finding one - so I'm actually going to do in January.

Other than that - just hoping that 2009 is a better year than 2008

See - set my expectations low...

I'm a prisoner in my own flat

Between me and my front door there is a Huntsman spider on the archway.

Have I ever mentioned my absolute terror where spiders are concerned?

Ever seen a Huntsman? They're massive. In my opinion there are too big to kill. Well, seeing as I find cockroaches too big to kill here and Huntsman (at least this Huntsman) is four times as big as a cockroach.... if not bigger.....

Where are the big strong men to come and save me? Where?

Wait.

Its gone.

Damn. I think that's worse!

Where did it go? How does something that big move that quick?????????

Now I'm no longer a prisoner of my apartment.
I'm now a prisoner of my couch.
I'm stuck.
Frozen.

Shit.

Why do I live in this country again????

Somedays....

Somedays all I can remember is the mean.

Now I know this isn't the best day for this kind of post - but following the crowd is not my strong suit and bucking the trend kind of appeals to me today.

So where was I going with this? Well, occasionally it seems that I can be travelling along and all is fine - but then I'm struck by a comment someone's made to me. A mean comment. What surprises me about this, is that usually its something I think I've gotten over long, long ago.

For example? What I seem to be hearing over and over again today is "It was a mistake to kiss you." (Question is - what came first the comment or the lovely migraine I've had this afternoon or did the migraine start this inane argument in my head? Kind of a chicken and egg type question isn't it?)

Who says that? Why would someone say that? Even if it were true (and you'd have to be someone so horrible - like gnaw your arm off in the morning horrible - for kissing to have been a mistake) why would you say that to someone?

So - let's suppose I kissed some guy and then thought afterwards that maybe it wasn't the best decision I'd ever made (not that I've ever done that or anything) - but I certainly wouldn't be saying to the guy that kissing him was a mistake - unless of course he was the worst kisser on the face of the earth. (and even then I wouldn't say that - I'd just leave the pub while he was in the washroom (circa 2001 Airlie Beach)...)

Besides, the one thing I have been told by said guy who said kissing me was a mistake is that I'm a great kisser - so where's the mistake? The mistake is that he used words. The mistake was that he couldn't keep his hormones in line. The mistake was that he couldn't be honest with himself that if you're attracted to someone and enjoy their company and think they're a great kisser - then kissing is not a mistake - opening your mouth afterwards and saying it was a mistake is actually the mistake. (you still with me on this one because I'm on a bit of a roll..)Being too dim to take a risk and enjoy someone else's company because you're a chicken ass and then saying kissing is a mistake is just stupid.

It wasn't that it was a mistake - it was that this guy was just incapable of taking a risk, too afraid really - and instead of just fessing up to that, he had to put me down by calling me a mistake.

Well fuck you. For the record? The kiss wasn't the mistake. The mistake was that I didn't give the guy a black eye after he called me a mistake.

Wait... that's a little extreme... and truly, I'm not really as violent as I like to pretend sometimes.

I believe really good kisses are slightly magical and the mistake that I made was letting someone share a little of the magic who didn't or couldn't appreciate that specialness. The mistake is that I shared it with someone who couldn't or wouldn't be open to the wonder and possibilities that a magical kiss can lead to - who perhaps didn't have the courage to just roll the dice and give it a go.

One last comment for the record? When you're disappointed with yourself - don't take it out on me. Truth is - I can't take it.

And on that note - Merry Christmas.

To my Canadian friends at Christmas time...

Send me an Eat-More and I'll be your friend forever.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...

Okay - not really. There's no snow. It's not cold. There's no pine trees, Christmas carols and/or tinsel.

But nevermind - there's a feel in the air.

Maybe its just the prospect of 4 days off in a row without hurting my life entitlement - but whatever - its hard not to be happy these days...

I'm taking it wherever I can get it!

So what'd you do this weekend?

Me? Well, I drove.

A LOT!

I went away down south this weekend - but messed up the dates and committed to something else on the Saturday - so what that meant was I drove for 4 hours Friday night. Drove Saturday morning for 3, returned Saturday afternoon for another 3 1/2 hours and then drove back late Sunday which was another 4 hours on the road.

But somehow - despite the driving rain Friday and crazy wind Saturday - it was all worth it.

Somehow in that weekend I managed two nights out, some time with cute boy, time at the beach and even a little shopping (and I'm so NOT a shopper).

I did pass on the third night out though - that I just couldn't fathom.

Instead I went home and put on my favourite purchase (I have previously written about one of my addictions - but never this one - I'll let you guess...) from the weekend and Monster and I hung out on the couch.

Perfect.

I'm alright

I'm in a bit of a story telling mood, so here I go.

Years ago (when I was still living in Canada) at about the same time I started a new job, my boyfriend and I broke up.

I was heartbroken. Really devastated. And at a new job I was suppose to be energetic and enthusiastic.

Let me tell you - it just wasn't happening.

I didn't really know anyone (as happens with new jobs) but one of my colleagues I think guessed at some level that I wasn't normally so quiet and that perhaps I needed a little kindness - or at least some kind of distraction - so she invited me along to the pick-up Ultimate game she played on Saturdays with one of the law firms.

I didn't want to go - but I figured being on my own wasn't helping me at all so I took her up on her offer and joined the group.

The first weekend she introduced me to everyone. I can't remember everyone's names now - but I do remember two guys: JP and Matt. Both were real cuties (even in my moping state I did notice they were cute).

They kind of took me under their wing.

As the early weeks of spring turned into summer I continued to go each week and I slowly got better. See it wasn't just the break up and rejection that I was having trouble with - the truth is it hadn't been the healthiest of relationship and my self-esteem was in shreds and my self-confidence had taken quite a battering.

But as I said, with time I was returning to my normal self.

Then one day at brunch (brunch always followed the game...) I was sitting at the far end of the table with my two buds JP and Matt, when JP - out of nowhere and after months of absolutely ZERO questions says to me: "So you're alright now."

It was a statement. Not a question. Matt said nothing but both guys were clearly focused and waiting on my response.

It's funny, because until that moment, I hadn't thought about how I was doing. I gave it a moment and answered, "Yeah, I'm alright now."

The boys both smiled then returned to eating.

That was the extent of it.


I think you know what I'm getting at....

I can't believe it

I got a call from my Mom today - it seems that my childhood friend died on Thursday.

She lived 3 doors away from me. She was a few years older (2) - yet we spent all of our summers together - see we were the two youngest of the 'gang' from our street. (We lived on a dead end street that only had about 6 houses on it)

My mom still lives on that street. Her parents still live on that street.
I haven't seen her in years. Partly because I now live halfway across the world - but also because as we grew up we grew apart. She was much more religious than me - which during my more rebellious years created quite a difference.

Irrespective - when she visited her mom we'd always catch up.

I just can't believe she died. It was sudden. Cancer.

She's married with two small children. She's never smoked, never drank - lived a healthy life.
It's just so unbelievable.

It just doesn't compute.

I will have to write her parents.

You've got mail!

I love days like these (yes, my earlier post was from today - but this is a non-work story...)

I got home and checked my mailbox and I had mail!!

Now normally its not something that gets me all that excited but that's because its usually just bills but not today!! Today I received a letter.

A real letter!!

AND it was from my best friend.

Very cool.

Usually I rip right into things, but what with the ease of phone calls and email - receiving real letters is such a rare occurence that I had to savour it. So what did I do? I examined it and thought about what it might be. I guessed at what she might have written.

I put it on the counter in plain view while I changed out of my suit, fed Monster and got settled in. And little impatient me even held it in my hands for a few minutes before opening.

It was worth it. I love getting letters. Know what I love more? Unexpectedly getting letters - letters that are all about just saying hello.

Nice to know I'm missed. It's making me slightly homesick - but it was worth it.

10:38

I had some time off last week and I was back at work on Friday. My time off restored me - not only my sense of humour - but also my sense of calm and wellbeing.

I made it through Friday still intact.
Then I made it through Monday with only a small blip at 5:15 pm.

Today at 10:38 am I lost the plot.

Pretty sure that's a record - just not sure which one.

But pretty sure its not one to be proud of...